Friday, October 10, 2014

My Ungreen Thumbs

Someone finally had enough and chopped off a dying stem from my money plant on my desk

It wasn’t dying, lah. I truly believe from the bottom of my heart that it is just sleeping – despite the yellowing leaves and strange large black spots. I'm sure it will heal itself but no, some kaypohchee has to come along and snip it off without asking my permission.

Frou: (shouting to no one in particular) OI! WHO CUT MY PLANT??
Admin: (also a kaypohchee) What? What happened?
Frou: Why is my plant botak? Who cut off a stem?
Admin: The one that is dying?
Frou: Excuse me, nothing is dying here.
Admin: Probably the pantry auntie. Aiya, shuan le ba. Whoever did it was doing you a favor.

Except it’s a favor I didn’t ask for! Anyway, I’m a bit upset because I inherited this money plant from an ex-colleague.  It was a beautiful plant grown in water (not soil) and she swore to me it needs NO maintenance except daily change of water. That’s high maintenance, no? I remembered bargaining with her whether I can change it once every 2 days instead. She said probably not a good idea. Since under my care, the water is changed – erm – once a week IF I can remember. My excuse is that it’s not good to change too often because you waste all the nutrients (the sai) the plant gives out (??). Anyway, obviously, my theory is not working and someone in the office has an issue with yellowing leaves.

None of my other plants at home is doing too well either. I have already killed 2 rounds of house plants since I moved in. I said “rounds” because they seem to purposely die on me at the same time – a flora suicide if you will. It’s like they decided not to live under my care and hara-kiri themselves in protest. Actually come to think of it, there are some kaypohchees in my estate as well, who waters my plant without my permission. I see evidence of water spillage when I come home in the evenings. Also, someone left a stick next to my plants once – the kind you use to loosen the soil. What are they trying to tell me lah?

Anyway, I’m not giving up on being green thumbs. In my old age, when I live in a mansion with a huge garden with lush rolling greens, I will personally tend to my lot. And I will put up barbed fences all around to ward off all kaypohchees.

Kaypohchees (Hokkein) - People who cannot mind their own business
Botak (Malay) - Bald
Shuan le ba (Mandarin)Forget it/Let it go
Sai (Hokkein)- Excrement

Said money plant in question
My new terrarium - someone gave it to me and told me it's impossible to kill this (apparently)

Friday, June 20, 2014

If he can’t even pay attention to something in front of him, how can I expect him to pay me any attention?

The Man duly ignores me at home after work, and on weekends, because he is constantly on his laptop replying work emails. (Got so many emails meh?)

So, last Sunday, I sneaked up to his laptop while he was taking a bio break and saw that he was working on a drawing. I added a big text box next to the drawing that reads: “PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR WIFE”. I expected him to have a reaction after reading that, but he didn’t (stupid boy) and of course, I promptly forgot all about it.

Last night, The Man told me that his supplier has responded to one of his drawings by asking him to pay attention to his wife. He showed me the drawing with the text box still there.

Frou: Hmm, interesting.
Man: Isn't it? He's from China and usually never write in English.
Frou:Are you sure this came from your supplier?
Man: What do you mean?
Frou: How about you check the version you sent to him?
Man: What do you.....(checks his emails) OMG…….you mean I sent this to him??
Frou: YAH MAN! How can you not see that big text box?? Aren’t you working on that drawing???
Man: IS IT YOU? You wrote that?? I didn’t see it! I was only looking at the drawing!
Frou: It is RIGHT NEXT to the drawing! In Arial 38. How can you miss something so big?
Man. OMG, I just “shouted” at my supplier to pay attention to his wife. How??
Frou: Maybe he thinks you saw him with another woman and that you are being the voice of reason?
Man: ARGH! I’m gonna kill you!
Frou: HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, March 16, 2014

By the way, don't judge our music taste!

When I listen to a song, I hear primarily the lyrics. According to The Man, it’s such a waste I never join the game show “Don’t Forget The Lyrics". I never forget words to a song - even those that I don't know well. For example, I can easily recite the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody, even though I am not a fan of Queen . I just hear it a lot on the radio when I was growing up.

When The Man listens to a song however, he only hears the melody. He never pays any attention to the words or wonder what the song is about. And that is why it always gets on my nerves when he tries to sing....

The Man: “Oh… I am going to eat pizza….”
Frou: Dude, it is “I’m going to IBIZA”.
(“We are going to Ibiza” by Venga Boys)

The Man: “Making my way downtown… la la la… I’m giving out hongbaos”
Frou: So, Venessa Carlton suddenly turned Chinese and got married?
The Man: Erm...
Frou: “Walking fast, faces pass and I’m HOMEBOUND”!
(“Thousand Miles”)

The Man: “I love you like a love song, baby, and I go beep beep beep beep beep”
Frou: Why would Selena Gomez go beep beep beep?
The Man: I don't know.
Frou: How about “And I keep hitting re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat!!!!!!!!!!!!”
("Love you like a love song")

The Man: “Kiss me, I want to go to Bali….”
Frou: Since when did Sixpence None The Richer start promoting Indonesia tourism?
The Man: Then??
Frou: “Kiss me out of the BEARDED BARLEY”.
The Man: What the hell is bearded barley?
Frou: I don’t know….a barley plant with mustache?

Monday, July 01, 2013

Confidence! Confidence! Confidence!

Last weekend, The Man revealed he was once a guest speaker at a DATING WORKSHOP. I had to stop to gag for a full minute when I heard that. It was too hilarious.

He said he had a friend who ran a dating site and she asked him to help give a talk to her male members on how to talk to women.

Frou: What made you such an expert on that topic?

The Man: Because I have no problem talking to girls.

Frou: Righht. So, tell me, what’s your secret to talking to us?

The Man: Three simple rules – Confidence…… Confidence and…. Confidence!

(The Frou rolling on the floor – he said it with such gusto!)

The Man: You see, the men who attended are quite sad looking but I told them – Fret not, boys! You must never think the girl is too pretty for you. You must think of yourself as …… a work of art.

(The Frou cannot stop rolling)

The Man: Can you get off the floor already? It is embarrassing. We are out in the open.

Frou: YOU are a piece of art, my friend.

Anyway, we googled the website and we found that his friend is still organizing singles/dating events. Also, the site has some articles on dating tips such as how to keep conversation, how to be confident (again??) and why singles are not dating in Singapore (the first reason stated was because they lack confidence!)

Yes, I agree confidence is important when it comes to starting the dating process – but it takes more than confidence to keep the other party interested. Nobody likes a cocky bastard or an arrogant girl who thinks she is all that. You need to balance that with a healthy dose of humility which, to me, is a much more attractive quality than cockiness. Anyway, I told the Man that I will be happy to volunteer to write for his friend’s website. I am no expert at dating but I think I am more down to earth when it comes to this topic.

I honestly believe the key to dating is to be self aware and practical. For example, I would have written:

The Frou’s Practical Guide To Choosing a Partner:

1. Choose a partner your own attraction level or 2 notches below, never above. For example, if you are an average 7, you should try and date someone who is a 5, 6 or 7. This follows the law of ‘natural selection’ – do watch nature documentaries or read up on Darwin’s laws on evolution if you don’t know what I mean.

2. If you wish to go for an 8-10, you should upgrade yourself to that level first. Try clever makeup, better clothes or plastic surgery. In this time and age, it is not that hard to fake your looks. Have you not seen those Korean girls?

3. You can be an exception to Rules 1 and 2 if you are rich (and stay rich).

4. Don’t try and go below 2 notches down. You will not stay interested for long.

5. Don’t trust yourself to gauge what your attraction level is. Seek an unbiased third party for an honest opinion. Never ask your mother or a pet. If you don’t have anyone you can trust, please send me your picture and I will be happy to give you an honest opinion.

You think people will ever take dating advice from me??

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

26 June 2013 is a historical day

Not because it was the day thousands of Singaporeans lined up since 9pm to get their hands on a “Singing Bones Hello Kitty” launched by Mcdonalds at midnight (what the heck are they thinking?) but it was the day a U.S. Supreme Court issued a decision that will affect all married homosexual couples in the U.S.

The decision struck down a key provision in the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) which denied legally married same-sex couples the same benefits heterosexual spouses are entitled to, such as tax, health and pension benefits. In doing so, the Supreme Court ruled that DOMA violated the Constitution’s equal protection clause. It is indeed a cause for celebration! I believe that marriage should be for all, regardless of sexual orientation. As long as a couple wants to commit to each other and be bound by the laws governing their partnership, I don’t see why their gender should prevent them having the same legal protection afforded to heterosexuals. In fact, I know of many gay partnerships that lasted longer than straight couples.

My company is in celebration of this decision. In our window displays, we wrapped a rainbow flag around 2 male mannequins. I have to say, I am very proud to work for a company who has been supporting workers’ equality for over 16 decades. This is deeply rooted in our heritage. Not only do we have a foundation to advocate, support and fund campaigns relating to issues on equality in gender, race and sexual orientation, we have also been extending employee benefits to partners of our gay and lesbian employees for over 20 years now.

26 June 2013 is also a historical day in my relationship with The Man, as it is the day I agreed to watch a zombie flick with him.

You see, I am a scaredy cat who cannot watch horror films, including those featuring the living dead. I don’t know how people can be dead and alive at the same time; I don’t get the concept. The Man is a big time zombie flick fan, and the only time I watched one with him was BEFORE we dated. It was during a stage when I was trying to impress him and I was all like, “I am the coolest chick in town and you will be lucky to date me” mode. So, during a bus ride to KL, he brought up his laptop and made me watch a “surprise movie”. The movie turned out to be a B-grade zombie flick starring a lot of known actors/actresses. I reiterate I wasn’t dating him then and I was stuck in a 4 hour bus ride with him, and there was nowhere to run. So I had no choice but to keep my “coolest chick” face on and gamely watch the movie with him. Inside, I was dying from fear and chicken shit. After that KL trip, we became a couple and I dropped the fake face immediately and told him I am never ever watching another zombie movie with him.

Up until 26 June 2013, that is. He had a very bad day at work that day and I have been a bitch to him all week. After a really huge and senseless fight over nothing (I’m sure you guys had one of those before), he said the only thing that would ever make him remotely happy again is for me to watch World War Z with him at the cinema. We are talking big screen, baby. In the midst of all the shouting and emotions raging between us, he heard me say okay.

So, today we have a date to watch World War Z. He tried to make me feel better by saying Brad Pitt is in it. (Not working. I don’t care about him.) He also explained that zombies are not scary because they are merely people who have been inflicted with a disease. Do I look like I buy that? Bite me! (err… I don’t mean that literally!)