My Ungreen Thumbs

Someone finally had enough and chopped off a dying stem from my money plant on my desk

It wasn’t dying, lah. I truly believe from the bottom of my heart that it is just sleeping – despite the yellowing leaves and strange large black spots. I'm sure it will heal itself but no, some kaypohchee has to come along and snip it off without asking my permission.

Frou: (shouting to no one in particular) OI! WHO CUT MY PLANT??

Admin: (also a kaypohchee) What? What happened?

Frou: Why is my plant botak? Who cut off a stem?

Admin: The one that is dying?

Frou: Excuse me, nothing is dying here.

Admin: Probably the pantry auntie. Aiya, shuan le ba. Whoever did it was doing you a favor.

Except it’s a favor I didn’t ask for! Anyway, I’m a bit upset because I inherited this money plant from an ex-colleague.  It was a beautiful plant grown in water (not soil) and she swore to me it needs NO maintenance except daily change of water. That’s high maintenance, no? I remembered bargaining with her whether I can change it once every 2 days instead. She said probably not a good idea. Since under my care, the water is changed – erm – once a week IF I can remember. My excuse is that it’s not good to change too often because you waste all the nutrients (the sai) the plant gives out (??). Anyway, obviously, my theory is not working and someone in the office has an issue with yellowing leaves.

None of my other plants at home is doing too well either. I have already killed 2 rounds of house plants since I moved in. I said “rounds” because they seem to purposely die on me at the same time – a flora suicide if you will. It’s like they decided not to live under my care and hara-kiri themselves in protest. Actually come to think of it, there are some kaypohchees in my estate as well, who waters my plant without my permission. I see evidence of water spillage when I come home in the evenings. Also, someone left a stick next to my plants once – the kind you use to loosen the soil. What are they trying to tell me lah?

Anyway, I’m not giving up on being green thumbs. In my old age, when I live in a mansion with a huge garden with lush rolling greens, I will personally tend to my lot. And I will put up barbed fences all around to ward off all kaypohchees.

Glossary:

Kaypohchees (Hokkein) - People who cannot mind their own business

Botak (Malay) - Bald

Shuan le ba (Mandarin) – Forget it/Let it go

Sai (Hokkein)- Excrement

Said money plant in question

My new terrarium - someone gave it to me and told me it's impossible to kill this (apparently)