I thought that I will feel better by now. I actually thought that I have gotten over it because I have always been blessed with an extremely short memory and high threshold for pain.
I have reasoned and concluded that everything that has happened – is for the better. It HAS to happen, by a divine decree or otherwise, to shake me off my inertia and comfort zone. It will end sooner or later.
But I have to leave immediately. I have to live out of my car. I have to worry where I will lay my head next. I have to endure stupid agents and pitiful looks from friends who offer me their houses. I have to go to work everyday pretending I’m fine, pretending I don’t miss my boss and pretending I won’t be losing my job. I have to function like a normal person and smile at people like I’m a normal person. It’s all too much, all too soon.
I also have to eat, drink, breathe – these things don’t come naturally anymore. I have to remind myself, or rather the universe reminds me when I wake up in the morning and look out the window, that the sun is still shining and the sky is still blue; I am still alive whether I like it or not. And whether I like it or not, the pain is staying.
I have to monitor each and every thought going through my mind because if I do not, they wreck me. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to do that. Maybe that’s why I’m exhausted and people are commenting that I’ve physically shrunk. I am looking small because Abba is right, the loser always stands small.
I thought I am doing the adult thing by letting things go graciously by not putting up a fight and not seeing or talking to him because it makes things awkward for him. I try not to be sad when he avoids me. I rationalize that he is doing me a favor and that this is the way he deals with things.
Above all, I accept this is the reality. I accept his decision. I accept and I concede. I don’t want to fight anymore. We had the time of our lives and this is possibly the best relationship I ever had. I didn’t even know I love him and that it’s possible to love someone so much. I have worked hard at this relationship but maybe not hard enough for him. We had our share of doubts. I know why and what went wrong now but I can’t turn back the clock. I respect his decision – I have not been respecting a lot of his others decisions - but this last one, I will.
Why do I write this? Because I’m tired of putting up a front - with my friends, my family, my blog. Yes I am going through a bad time, it sucks, and it’s shitty that I have to pretend I’m my usual self but I’m not. It sucks that I feel guilty that my state of mind will push people away or make them worry. Above all, it sucks that I can’t see beyond the next hour.
And this too will pass. And this too SHALL pass And if I tell myself that everyday, maybe one day I, too, will believe it.
6 comments:
There there...things will be alright. Just take one step at a time. It's good that you have loved and lost. Better than never have loved at all.
Hi Frou! I hope things get better in time. I pray that they will. This, too, shall definitely pass. I don't know you personally, but from reading your blog, I could see that you are well-loved by many, especially by your friends. You have such a strong support system. I am pretty sure they will help you get through this. Cheer up! And remember that certain things are taken away from us because The One up there has something better and greater to give. Take care!
what the..? you is strong. you love yourself. first.
My dear friend, remember in times of distress, the cleansing ritual EA once imparted on the Piggy group, the "figure of 8" - old one don't go, new one don't come....jiu de bu chui, xi de bu lai....stay strong and remember we all love you!!!
Please take care. I'm in the same boat as you are at the moment. Going through a breakup and having to pretend that everything's fine in front of everybody.
Tough times are truly hard to bear but they will be over soon. An ending always signals a new beginning. Hang in there.
Post a Comment