Who let the fat chick out??

Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, there lived a girl with very long hair.

Her name is Rapunzel, so-named after the flower which ultimately caused her imprisonment in a high tower by a witch. You see, when Rapunzel was still a fetus, her mother saw a bunch of beautiful purple rapunzel blossom in the witch’s garden and in her irrational pregnancy mood-swing, ordered her husband to go steal it for her. When Mr. Obedient got caught (as we all expect him to be), the deal with the witch is, if he gives up his newborn, he may live. He is as much Mr Kiasi (i.e. Mr. Scared To Die) as he is Mr. Obedient so he agreed.

In order to preserve her maidenly sensibilities, the witch deem it best for Rapunzel to grow up in a high tower, away from the lecherous eyes of the kingdom’s male subjects. To facilitate her visits, the witch had Rapunzel grow her hair very long so that it can function as a ladder for her to climb up and down the tower. Whenever the witch comes round, she will shout. “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair” and Rapunzel will throw her golden braid out of the only window in the tower and the witch will ascend and descend on it accordingly. Many years of this same routine has resulted in Rapunzel having very strong hair and a very numbed scalp. Kids don’t try this at home.

What is life like locked in a tower? “Boring” is a huge understatement. Rapunzel’s only comfort is in food, which she unreservedly indulges in without reproach. Oh, did I forget to mention that our dear Rapunzel is not as….err… slim as you think most lead fairytale girls are? How else do you think she can anchor herself down when the witch pulls on her hair?!

So little fat Rapunzel grow up into a young fat lady. Luckily she has a pretty decent face so when she peeks out of the only window in her tower, she still gives the illusion of a pretty girl stuck in a tower. And that is how the horny prince, who rode by one beautiful moonlit night, was deceived.

He circled the tower a couple days and after watching how the witch gets into the tower, he too shouted one day, “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair” and the bimbo that she is, obeyed.

Have you ever gotten so drunk that you wake up the next day screaming at the person next to you and in that moment, realized that that human beings, as a general, looks so much better far away and in the moonlight? Well, that is the same epiphany that hit our prince when he reached the top of the tower and saw what she looks like below the neck. The word “regret” cannot begin to describe the way he felt.

Rapunzel, on the other hand, is ecstatic to find a handsome prince instead of a winkled old hag as usual. All these years of “containing her maidenly sensibilities” has reached its apex, and at that moment, it ruptured. The poor boy. She dragged him, kicking and screaming, into her hood and kept him prisoner and playmate…. (oh, I can’t go on describing more.)

On his third day of imprisonment, the broken and wretched prince realized that our dear Rapunzel is as dense as she is fat, so he hatched a brilliant plan.

Prince: How about we elope from this tower lor?
Rapunzel: Also can! But how? My hair only allows one person to be let off at any one time?
Prince: Why don’t we cut it off and I will hold it while your abseil down the tower. After that, I will tie it around this chair and abseil down myself. Sounds good?
Rapunzel: Oh! So clever!

So the prince chop off Rapunzel’s lovely golden braid and he held it out of the window for Rapunzel. At an opportune time when fat Rapunzel is climbing down on it, the prince release his grip and …….

………… this is my answer to Ah Toi’s query on who is the fat chick who fell off whilst climbing Rapunzel’s hair i.e. the Ipoh version of the story.