Of being a model employee and maid of honor

I don’t know why but my HR team always “arrow” me to be their face for employee relations stuff. For example, when they were implementing an employee finder program (basically where you get a finder fee if you can recommend a candidate to fill an internal position successfully) when I first joined the company, they asked me and the Korean gay boy from Communications Department to be their models for the program’s web page. Basically, me and Korean boy have to pose as happy employees who received an girnormous finder fee (which is not true, the fee is only $200). Now every time anyone log on to that program’s website, our happy faces come on first.

And today, while I was trying to claim for my dental, I logged on to another HR website and to my surprise, I saw my face again. This time, it was me in my EVENING dress (with my hair up and all) smiling like I just successfully claimed a large amount of benefits from the company. WTF? I called HR and asked when did I agreed to be their model again and they said I did, 4 years ago. I have no recollection but they said it’s too difficult to take down my picture because it is “embedded” in the website’s flash something so it is best to leave it alone and “after all, it has been up for a few years already”. This shows you how long I haven’t claimed for benefits so, come to think of it, I am THE model employee indeed.

Anyway, speaking of evening dresses, I was in one last weekend for Secretary Pig’s wedding. She was a beautiful bride and it was a beautiful wedding. Everyone had a smashing good time. The Toe, however, told me I was extremely antsy the entire week until after the wedding is over. You see, my bridesmaid (church) dress didn’t fit me even though I went for 3 freaking fittings. I also freaked out walking down the aisle (in my new shoes which I have never worn) to a music that I didn’t rehearse to. The church lost the CD of the chosen walk-in song and only told us 10 minutes before. I love the fact that Secretary didn’t freak out at all. She just said, “Then we choose another song loh. What do you have? Cannon in D? Okay!” She’s such a cool bride; I love her!

The most terrifying bridesmaid duty was the maid of honor speech. When Secretary Pig asked me to give a speech during dinner, I couldn’t say no because just before she asked, she spent an hour bitching about people who were uncooperative about her wedding so I didn’t want to add to the number. Little does she know, every time I go for a job interview and get asked what’s my weakness – top of my list is public speaking. My friends don’t believe me because they say I talk so much and so loud all the time. Truth is, I only do that with people I know but I can’t talk to a group of 300 strangers.

For her sake, I was prepared to go through with it. I wrote the first draft (vetted by The Queen) of my speech one week ahead but I ended up rewriting it many times because after I rehearsed it in the bathroom, I found it sucked big time. On the day itself, I think it went okay in the end. Many aunties and uncles (even their parents) came up to me afterwards to tell me they enjoyed my stories. There were rumors that the bride was a bit teary-eyed – I can’t be sure but even if it is true, I bet she was tearing up at how lame my jokes were.

After this experience, I would like to share some tips on giving bridesmaid speeches which are not found on the internet – I know because I have googled “how to give bridesmaid speech” and found nothing very useful.

Tip No. 1:
Get tipsy but not drunk. It will give you the much needed dutch courage. Drink to a level for you to be sociable and confident. For me, that took a bottle of wine.

Tip No. 2:
Make sure the audience is also tipsy. Best for your speech to start later in the night.

Tip No. 3:
(This is from the Toe.) Look people in the eye and talk to them as if you are having a personal conversation. This mean, you cannot look at your notes. You should know what your notes say already because you wrote them. If you need to look at your notes, glance down (briefly) only when people are laughing and catching their breath. The other exception is when you are quoting someone. People don’t expect you to memorize quotes so it’s a justified reason to refer to your notes.

Tip No. 4:
Have your notes on your iPad so you don’t need to fumble through paper pages. But expect people to think you are a poser.

Tip No. 5:
Don’t tell jokes immediately. There is nothing worse than people not laughing at them. Have a few jokes ready but say them only after you gauge the crowd is getting your humor. Also, tell all your attending friends that it is mandatory for them to laugh at your jokes, funny or otherwise.

Tip No. 6:
If you are not a funny person or the crowd don’t get your jokes, stick to being heartwarming. If you can’t be heartwarming, just say something sweet. If you can’t be sweet, just keep it short. Try a poem.

Tip No. 7:
If you have other talents (e.g. singing, dancing, balancing ping pong balls on your head, etc.), showcase them instead. It is more entertaining and saves you from talking. If you have no talents, get other people on the stage with you. For The Queen’s wedding, I got the other girls to do a Bollywood dance with me on stage. I can’t dance but no one can tell because of the other girls.

Tip No. 8:
Find out what the best man will be saying in his speech and make sure your speech is the polar opposite. This is to ensure a good contrast and to keep the audience awake. In my case, the best man told me he will be talking about the groom’s bad habits so I concentrated on extolling the bride’s good habits.

Tip No. 9:
Learn from other bridesmaid on youtube. I watched a few and this one is my favourite – it is short, funny and very sweet.


Tip No. 10: (most important)

Lastly, just be yourself. Your friend love you for who you are, that’s why you are bridesmaid.

Pig, thanks again for making me a part of your big day!