The Old Bitch, The Violent Masturbator & The Suicidal Fat Kid

Dailytoe has refused to see me on her actual birthday.

Her excuse was “MUST. MARK. BLOODY. EXAM. PAPERS. FINGERS. BLEEDING. RED. INK”. Apparently it is time of the year her students are required to take the pre-requisite exam to qualify them for JCs and if they fail English, they flunk the entire exam. So being the martyr that she is, she has kindly forgone her own birthday to dedicate her time marking like a monkey.

But I managed to drag her out last night on the disguise of a quick climbing session + drinking. I know she won’t refuse this one because that’s two of her most favorite activities in the world.

She arrived at the climbing wall looking like a volcano has erupted on Planet Toe:

Toe: *cowering in shame* Look away! Don’t look at my face!
Frou: Wah! Wah! Wah! What happened?? Your face got volcano craters!
Toe: It’s all the stress from marking! All the other teachers in my school looks koyak too. Some are crying at their desk every morning.
Frou: *does the volcano eruption dance* (You can always depend on The Frou to be irritating in times of crisis like these…)

Anyway, we did just 6 alibaba climbs that night. Nothing too complicated because we haven’t been using our muscles for a couple of weeks now and it was e.f.f.o.r.t.f.u.l. hauling ourselves up on the wall. We were PANTING after one hour; our aging bodies ain’t what it used to be. Well, it used to be hawt stufs and all, but now it’s running like a Perodua Kancil 1.3 engine going up a slope.

So, we packed up and hop over to meet Toi at our favorite Spanish restaurant, Don Quijote, down at Upper Bukit Timah. This is our all-time favorite restaurant in Singapore because we made a fool of ourselves there on Valentine’s Day and got away with it so the owners now allow us stay on to drink their cheap shit house wine long after closing hours. They even call their own house wine “cheap shit” after Toe so graciously bestowed that term on their lovely $40 Spanish white. Now every time we go there, Sanjay will ask, “What do you want for drinks? Our cheap shit??”

Glugging a bottle of cheap shit and pigging on paella, we had a great dinner catching up on tricks. We haven’t seen one another for about 2 weeks. Toi has been away in Malaysia and then Hong Kong for work. Toe has been busy making sure her students are graduating. I have been busy with the house moving and attending to the one million requests for contracts at work – all piled up since my vacation. So, it was good de-stressing and talking cock.

We mostly bitched about work, of course. Toi told us he just held a farewell party for one of his employees (who he termed ‘the old bitch’) who is leaving the company after 39 years. We did a quick calculation and realize that this woman started working for the company at the age of 20! The reason why she resigned is because Toi (her new boss) started making her do “actual” work since he joined and she feels that she is ‘impeding the growth of the company” by her inability to finish all the work in time. Toi said, in short, she has been around too long and is useless. Her dramatic parting statement at the party was, “I must now leave and let the younger generation… *pause and look over at Toi with daggers in her eyes*… take over.”

Toe, in turn, shared with us that she has a new colleague recently who looks like a very disturbed and morbid individual. He often come in to work with heavy eyebags under his eyes and has an extremely lecherous face which subsequently earned him the nickname of Violent Masturbator – the type who will stay up all night just wanking off. How very tragic!

For my turn, I shared with them a case at work involving a suicidal client. He has been threatening to kill himself on several occasions because his business is not doing well (claiming we caused it). We sent a negotiator to talk to him and it turns out that he is just a fat kid who has no idea how to run a business and is making all sorts of excuses so his sponsor (his rich dad) won’t be disappointed in him. Our negotiator told him if he doesn’t stop his nonsense, we are going to the police (suicide is illegal in his country) and that we will publicize his threats – his reputation will be ruined and he will never find a wife in this lifetime. That put an immediate stop to his nonsense but his latest and most crazy feat came through yesterday. To cover up his previous misdoings, he forged a letter purporting to be from us to him saying we acknowledge that all the suicide notes were sent from his hacked account because an employees of ours has stolen his laptop. He did the forgery perfectly – he cut and pasted several new text to an old letter we sent, complete with signature and all – then photocopy over it. I had to review that forged letter yesterday morning at work and spent about 1.5 hours laughing under my table.

Don’t we just love our work?!

Chit-chat aside, we did the birthday thing by singing her an out of tune birthday song and made her blow out a sole candle on her alibaba birthday cake. It was one of those very cheap cake you get from any heartland bakery which uses butter cream and taste slightly salt-ish – just the type she likes! Toi has to get it all the way from Jurong and it reads “Lao Shi” in chocolate icing. The middle of the cake is all crumbling pieces of shreded chocolate which looks like it was dumped on without care. But we love the alibaba cake! And we devoured ¾ of it almost immediately.

We also had a present opening ceremony. I got her a pink bicycle bell and pink dri-fit sports top so that she can look like the ‘hawt stuf’ in her cycling group. We also got her a white bicycle helmet that looks like an alien headgear – you know, with the spiky structures at the back. She loved it so much that she wanted to wear it throughout the night. She also keeps knocking at it (while wearing it) to test whether she can break her head. We had to literally force her to take that damn thing off. She declares it to be the best present she received this year.

Happy burfday, my alibaba friend!