Hello. We've left. I'm drunk. Thank you.

I have been wanting to take this particular certification climbing course for the longest time but I managed to procrastinate it for many, many years.

By chance, I recently stumble upon this private climb gym in a warehouse in a far flung armpit corner of Jurong which offers this course. I signed up on impulse, and manage to coerce Dailytoe to join me (even though she has done the course before) because the gym is in some dark industrial area and I need a tall person to come with me to defend me from the scary foreign workers.

Like a dutiful sidekick, Dailytoe picked me up last Saturday morning in her chariot begrudgingly. The first thing she said to me when I got into the car was, “If the course sucks, you’re on your own, babeh.” Well, she has a valid reason to be concerned. The last time we were at that gym, we saw the course being conducted for a bunch of school kids and the instructors were shouting at them the whole time (“What are you doing!??? Climb properly can or not?! Laugh what laugh!”) In fact when they sent me the course itinerary which list the things we need to bring, they wrote, ‘Socks, water bottle, course money and lunch money.” Lunch money!! The last time someone reminded me to bring lunch money is my form teacher in primary one. (Funny enough, of all the 4 items, I only remembered to bring my lunch money that day!)

When we arrived, we found the gym completely empty. Apparently we are LATE and everyone have adjourn upstairs for a briefing. When we got upstairs, we were relieved because instead of the Form 5 class of Chong Hwa Primary School, we found a bunch of lost looking adults… like us. Yeah! (Maybe I should rephrase that. There was nothing adult-like about Dailytoe galloping into the briefing and demanding to sit next to the fake kayak in the room so that she can pretend to be Pocahontas.)

After the briefing, we were told to start practicing clipping rope to karabiners and that’s when I can’t stop rolling my eyes and poking Dailytoe with my toe (lame pun intended) because one of the participants, this noisy fat auntie in extremely tight tights, kept on talking and making stupid comments like, “Why do you call it a Z figure? Looks like Z meh? Looks more than M… ha! ha! ha!” (-____-).

(Not that any of our comments are any cleverer. Dailytoe’s best question was, “Excuse me, how do I stop the karabiner from kiap-ing my fingers when I clip in?” and all I said was, “How to do har?” to everything.)

After the briefing, we had a short warm-up session so that they can assess what level we are. Dailytoe and I just haul ourselves up the wall and down a couple rounds and got bored. While the rest are still at it, we sat in a corner and entertained each other. Dailytoe demonstrated her new badminton moves and told me her new badminton ‘jiao lian’ (i.e. coach) tried to sell her cheap ‘shuttlecocks’. In turn, I sang her the song I heard that morning that is stuck in my head like a broken record. It was a difficult song to sing but we manage to do it together. (“Rhythm is gonna get you (3X) *growls* repeat… TONIGHT! Oh Ay Oh Ay..”)

When everyone else is done with warm-up, we were told to lead climb a wall and then practice falling. Lead falling is where you fall while putting up protection which means you are basically free falling for a distance. Most climbers would have at least one bad lead fall story to tell and one often get traumatized or injured badly from bad lead falls. That’s why it is important to learn how to fall properly but the hardest part is doing it voluntarily. You really need to trust your belayer on this one because he/she is the one who has to break your fall.

Which is why my trusted belayer aka. Dailytoe is actually more nervous about my lead fall than me. She was sweating like a pig when it comes my turn. I laughed at her from the top of the wall and when I let go and fell, she let me fall for a good 3 meters. She told me it’s because the instructor told her to let me fall further as a practice. (Ya right!) When it comes her turn to fall, she let off a blood curdling trailing scream that goes: “AII-YAAA YAAA YAAaa” all the way down. The rest of the class tried to keep a straight face but I was laughing doubly hard. :p

We did learn a few other useful stuffs that day besides falling, like various rope works and safety guidelines but let’s not bore you with the technical bits. I spent the rest of the time laughing at and bullying the alibaba Toe. For example, I made her ask our instructor to give us a longer lunch break. She surreptitiously sidled up to him, resting one arm on the wall, and flirted shameless with him until he succumb to her alibaba charm and gave us a 1.5 hr lunch break. The rest of the participants protested by asking why do we need such a long break (“You going town to eat is it?”) Indignant, we haughtily announce that we are going to have lunch at IMM. It didn’t occur to us that IMM is nothing glamorous to shout about but since we are in Jurong, it is the best there is.

After lunch (IMM cannot make it), the rest of the class left us pretty much alone. We kept to ourselves and climb exactly as instructed and tie whatever knots the instructor asked us to. When the class finish for the day, Dailytoe and I were out of the gym in a flash. After washing off grime and sweat, we went out for a nice dinner to celebrate our wholesome day and we promised each other that we will go home early so that we can wake up fresh for our second course day.

Unfortunately, when I woke up the next day, my brains were on the floor next to my bed. Throbbing. By itself.

Have you seen those art house movies where they play the scenes backwards? This often happen in scripts where the lead actor caught amnesia and kept getting flashback of his past life. That was what happened to me and these are the flashbacks I saw of the night before (in reverse order of time):

1. Me sitting in a coffee shop throwing pork ribs down my throat.
2. Dailytoe giving (bad) directions to B2 to the nearest Bak Kut Teh stall.
3. Me throwing my phone to Dailytoe
4. Me sitting in the car, rocking to and fro, and repeating three words over and over again. (Bak 5. Kut Teh.. Bak Kut Teh..Bak Kut Teh..)
6. Dailytoe signing for a bottle of champagne
7. Me signing for a bottle of champagne
8. Willy signing for a bottle of champagne.
9. Dailytoe shouting, “Who cares about the course!?”
10. Me asking Dailytoe, “Tomorrow’s course how?”

Let me clarify Point 2. I didn’t do a Naomi Campbell and threw my handphone at Dailytoe’s head. I was actually trying to get her to text Willy to tell him that we have left the club because at that point, I was not capable of operating a handphone. She caught the phone that I threw at her and proceeded to jab at it repeatedly while crying that she doesn’t know how to use it until B2 gently reminded her that she has the same phone as me (-__-).

When I re-read her SMS from my Sent box that morning, I found that the alibaba Toe has typed the following text to Willy: “Hello, we left. I’m drunk. Thank you :)” (Even when she is shit-faced, she managed to convey the message, explain her current state of mind and was even polite about it. Brilliant!)

Anyway, I’m proud to announce that we didn’t miss the second day of the course. We were even on time, albeit we stumbled into the gym disheveled and looking less than chirpy. I was actually feeling alright physically because this body has developed a special mechanism to process champagne quickly due to frequent binges. The Toe’s slightly (ahem) older body (hahhah!), however, was not quite as advanced.

Frou: Eh, you look like shit.
Dailytoe: Shut up.

Although bleary eyed and a sniffy nose, the Toe braved through her hangover and continued to be my trusted belay partner for the better half of the morning. (What a good friend!) We climbed, listened to instructions and tie more knots. Her grit however only lasted until 12 noon which is around the time we were told to sit and watch one another take turns ascending and descending on a rope.

The Fat Auntie noisily wanted to go first. So she tried to ascend the rope (plopped a few times) and when she finally made it up, she was shrieking in delight, “OHH! THIS IS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE” (What a life, eh?) and as she hauled herself higher and higher on the rope, we can clearly see her “ter-kar” quivering in her short bicycle tights.

All of a sudden, Dailytoe turned green at that sight and rushed to the toilet to puke.

And she didn’t stop. She got so violently ill that I have to excuse us from the class, drive to IMM to get some food in her (IMM made her even sicker) and then drove her home to rest.

I went back to the gym after that all by my lonesome myself to find Fat Auntie still hanging from the rope and the rest of the (female) participants congregated around our young male instructor and asking him inappropriate questions such as, “How did you get a body like that?” and “Are you sure you didn’t use a chisel on your abs?” (ARGHHHH!!GROSS!!)

Without my partner, I was rather lost at first but I manage to make 2 friends before the end of the course – this bored-looking Malay girl who spoke to me because she was bored and the only boy in the course. The Boy actually came up to me and offered to be my partner. So we were climbing together under the watchful eyes of his fiancée who didn’t join the course but was just sitting at the corner of the gym watching him like a hawk. It’s like how Melanie Griffith kept guard at the set of Original Sin where her husband, Antonio Banderas, was acting alongside Angelina Jolie. Not that he looks like Antonio, nor I Angelina, nor are we acting out sex scenes but the fiancé, however, was giving out jealous housewife vibes aka. Melanie and I actually got quite scared. To make things worse, The Boy was a big guy and a shaky climber and he actually fell a few times while leading, pulling me up mid-air. The whole situation was nerve wrecking!

Other than the scary fiancé fiasco, I completed the rest of the course uneventfully and got certified without any further shenanigans. What have I learnt last weekend? Let’s see…

Firstly, I realize that my BFF and I are bad eggs and a complete riot when placed in enclosed space with other good folks.

Secondly, what seems like a good idea the night before often inevitably turn out to be an extremely bad idea the next day.

And thirdly, it is actually possible for an ugly sight to bring up leftover alcohol in hungover folks.

And of course, I am supposedly a better climber now. HAH! Ya right…