True Yoga? True Crap.

True Yoga Girl: Hello Miss, I just want to confirm that you are coming to collect your free pass at….
Frou: 7 pm tonight. Pardon me but you are the 6th person calling me. I have already confirmed last Friday, Sunday and this morning. Can you guys please coordinate my YES answer amongst yourselves and stop calling me at work?
True Yoga Girl: Ok dear…

Firstly the “dear” did not help. I only liked to be called “dear” by extremely good looking men or extremely old grandmothers - not a minah ah lian. Secondly, do you know how irritating it is to have 6 different people from one organization calling you about the same thing? They obviously don’t have a system of internal collaboration. And what’s up with the hard sell?

I should have taken these things as a sign but I gave them the benefit of the doubt. So I got Ah Toi to come along with me for a “free yoga class courtesy of True Yoga” last night.

The minute I arrive at their centre on Level 5 of Pacific Plaza, I feel like turning back immediately. Right in front of me is a huge poster of Wong Li Lin and her Fear Factor husband doing yoga poses. I don’t quite know to explain this …. I am not a big fan of sloped-shouldered Wong Li Lin, worse still, I am going the “Wong Li Lin Yoga Gym”. Same concept as someone going to “Vincent Ng Martial Arts School” or “Zoe Tay Pregnancy Exercise Class”. Local celebrity-endorsed fitness centre - SALAH!

Whilst I was gawking at the poster, an auntie in sweat shirt push past me. I mean, like literally ram into me. I turn around expecting an apology but she just quickly walk on without even looking at me. Clients of True Yoga – the same people I will be breathing in stuffy air with…

Still undeterred, we went to the Reception to sign up. When I told them we are collecting our “free pass”, the first thing they ask is “Who called you?” As if I will remember all the 6 different minahs who did!! I asked, wouldn’t you be able to check by my name but they insist on the name of the “inviter” in the reminder sms they sent me. (By the way, I forgot to mention the 4 reminder sms-es they sent, besides the 6 calls.)

Finally they directed us to a bubbly, big-sized fellow who attended to us. Albeit slow, he was at least friendly and let us test out a class first before conducting the lengthy registration process. Whilst waiting for him to get us locker keys, I wondered aloud to Ah Toi where to get changed and what is the class procedures etc. The ‘not-so-friendly’ reception staff who was standing right in front of my face obviously heard my comments but shifted her eyes immediately. Fair enough – I didn’t direct my questions at her and she doesn’t need to answer but since she have heard, wouldn’t a customer service staff in her position have offered some assistance? Obviously that's too much to expect...

Once we got changed, Mr. Bubbly waited for us outside the class and passed us big orange stickers that will identify us as “guests”. Inside, the class is slightly warm (which is good) and have pre-placed mats on the floor. I usually like to use my own mat but it feels rude if I place mine over those so I made do with their gritty mats. By the time we are ready, the instructor has already begun the sun salutation warm-up so we quickly jumped in.

The fundamental of astanga yoga practice is synchronized deep breathing with movement. In my regular Astanga class back at Planet Fitness, my instructor always spend a good 5 minutes to ensure that we calm our mind and engage our ujjayi breathing before we start. A good instructor will also constantly remind his students on the breathing sequence throughout the class because in Astanga, breathing is more important than the actual poses. ThisTrue Yoga instructor (incoherent as he is in his thick Indian accent) however, did not instruct on breathing at all. He just announces the poses he’d like us to perform methodologically. I thought perhaps this is the “intermediate” class hence presumably every yogi in here is expected to can do the breathing on their own - which I find a rather unusual class practice but to each his own.

Immediately after the sun salutation warm up, the instructor announces that we are going for an inversion (upside down) pose i.e. headstand. My regular Vinyasa Astanga class usually have all the inversion poses in the last few ending sequence so I felt uncomfortable trying this pose so early in the class and opted not do it. I sat on my mat instead and watch Ah Toi execute the headstand. Even the dude in front of me couldn’t get his legs up like Ah Toi.

Suddenly I heard someone barking, “Who asked you to come into my class?”

The instructor was suddenly standing in front of my mat and speaking into his microphone for all the class to hear.

“My class is for intermediate. You two don’t belong here. "

I couldn’t believe what I just heard!Did he just tell us we don't belong because of.... headstands?

Firstly, yoga is all about self-practice and doing what feels right for you. It's my body and I am not bending it upside down just because you ask me to.

Secondly, when has yoga become a competitive sport where those who can do one pose better than others "belongs"?

Thirdly, not everyone in the class are can do headstands! Like I say, Ah Toi did it but the dude in front of me couldn't bring his legs up. But he is "intermediate" because....?

Fourthly, even if we are indeed in the wrong class (by some True Yoga categorisation that we are not aware of), can’t he tell by the bloody orange stickers that we are first timers and was ushered in by Mr. Bubbly? How about some decorum and common decency, supposed “zen” guru?

It took every fibre of my being to stay calm and not disrupt the class by speaking back. In a parallel universe, Scary Frou would have wrapped him up in those gritty mats and rolled him from one end of the room to another like a pohpiah.

"But since you are here already, you might as well just sit and watch us”

Sit and watch what?? Watch the dude in front of me flop about? Watch the girls at the front compete with one another? Watch how you conduct this yoga boot camp and go around bending people into poses while the rest of the class sit around and chit chat? (yes, the class literally came to a standstill at such intervals)

To make things worse, he turned his back on us and ordered the class to do the next pose in the sequence which is to bring your legs back after executing the head stand. Ah Toi, indignant, at being accused of not being fit for the class, tried the posture only to have someone from the other end of the class actually walked over to him and said, “You did it all wrong!!”

Oh my gawd! Did we knock our heads during downward dog and got transported back to bitchy HIGH SCHOOL!! Needless to say, we left the class immediately and made it known at the Reception (loudly) exactly why we will never step foot there again. Mr Bubbly had the gall to ask, "Excuse me, can you describe the tone of the instructor's voice when he said all that?" (Must be the SOP in the complaints form...)

I am still dazed at what we encountered at True Yoga who have completely misrepresented themselves. Its people defied every traditional principles of yoga practice. A money-hungry centre who commercialized the practice and mis-educate the public about the true spirit of yoga – why would any celebrity lend their face to represent such an organization?

To “reset”, as The Boy recommend, I went for my regular astanga class in Planet Fitness during lunch today. My Indian instructor (bless his zen soul!) told us that there should never be pain in yoga, only happiness - and then later announce that if we don’t feel any pain while holding the poses, he will take it into his own hands to ensure we feel some pain.

I love yoga, still. Really. Breathe, baby, breathe…..