Let’s Go & Let Go.

My new year has gotten off to a fantastic start with The Monkey Girls (Ears, Backside and me, Paws) toasting awful tasting cocktails ‘gala-style’ to the backdrop of a fire show in Krabi. Well, we nearly got burnt to crisp when the clumsy fire thrower accidentally threw his poi at us. And just before that, we nearly got electrocuted by the shower tap in the hotel; I will save all those Krabi dramas for later posts :)

So…. happy new year everyone! I got back to Singapore 4 days ago, and as I was catching up on facebook, twitter and blogs, it looks like everyone have been busy celebrating NY in their own big way. Most of all, it looks like most folks have been doing a lot of thinking about their 2009 shenanigans and coming up with what they plan not to do in 2010. So I am going to join in the game and do some analysis of my own. (Oi, stop falling asleep!!)

As with all resolution makings, the first thing people usually do is examine the failure of their 2009 resolutions . Well, the only resolution I made for myself in 2009 is “To change”. I didn’t specify change what, but it was loosely around changing the bits of me that needs changing. So, if I look back (honestly), I can announce that I didn’t fail my 2009 that miserably. There were a lot of significant changes I made to my life last year. I won’t go as far as to say I am a much improved person, but some of those changes have been pretty good.

Change 1:

I got out of (and over) an incompatible relationship which I am very grateful for. That experience taught me to recognize what are my ‘deal breakers’ when it comes to looking for a partner. I’m not talking about wealth or size of his schlong, but rather intolerable traits that are incompatible to mine. For example, if I cannot communicate with him or if he doesn’t have the same sense of humour as me, those are instant deal-breakers for me…. now. I know some of you who know me are laughing right about now cos you know the number of men I have dated in the past that cannot speak English and who don’t get my jokes. (Gaaks!) I recognize that I have done so in the past to fulfill my inane self-serving desire for companionship. Thankfully, the 2009 Frou has put a lid on it. Truly!

Change 2:

Since it has worked so well, I extended deal-breakers to relationships apart from partners. In terms of friendship, my deal breaker is when the person makes me feel shit about myself or when the friendship takes too much work and the rewards do not match my outputs *watches friendships fly out of window*

My new ‘standard’ means I cut down quite a number of people from my life which means my social circle dwindled in 2009. In short, it kind of lead me into a hermit lifestyle (also attributable to Change 3 below). The slippery slope continues when I started being lazy even with my selected few friends. I find myself slipping into ‘friendship plateaus’ and not putting in much effort. Fortunately there were a number of incidences in 2009 that have put me in my place. One of them was my birthday when my friends really demonstrated going out on limbs for me. During their speeches when each of them started telling me how much I mean to them, I realize that I am one hell of a lucky monkey. It prompted me to change my lackadaisical attitude and work harder at maintaining friendships.

Change 3:

I remember doing one of those “Get to know yourself” quiz sometime in mid 2009. I was in a good place that time (read: no emotional turmoil) so most of my answers were along the lines of “Good”, “I love myself” and “My life is great!” But when it comes to this question: “What is the one thing in your life right now that irritates you?”, I surprised myself when I wrote instinctively, “Coming back to a dirty apartment and cleaning up after others.”

Well, that pretty much speaks for itself. As the laws of attraction has it, Secretary Pig was back from Hong Kong shortly after and I mention this ‘irritation’ to her. She, having just moved to her own place, started telling me how good it is to live on one’s own. In fact, she went further and started sending me links to apartments for rent in Singapore. To cut the long story short, I went ahead and took the first apartment I viewed. Now, I am a creature of habit, and I HATE moving, seeing that I have already moved last year. But my answer to that particular quiz question has really bothered me. If cleaning up after others is the sole irritation in my life right now, why wouldn’t I go and change that?

So the Frou is now happy in her own shoebox. It is not my own place, granted, but it is a step up from living with another human being. It is so liberating! The downside is, I turned into this cleaning freak and I exhaust myself cleaning the house since I don’t have a maid anymore. Me, being a tight ass, kept imagining that I missed out on some imaginary dust mites and moulds somewhere. The other downside is, I don’t have the incentive to leave my house and go out. All I wanna do after work is go home, clean the house, watch telly in my underpants and sleep. Who is Miss Boring? *points to ownself* (FYI, I am in fact at home right now, in my underpants, on the couch, typing this!)

Change 4:

Have you ever felt like…. you don’t know who you are? Like there are so many facets of yourself that you don’t know which one is really YOU. I get that a lot. Hanging out with different people, I am different. Faced with different scenerios, I am different. Go to another country, I am different. Heck, when I eat something different from my usual diet, I feel different.

One of the things I have read about is that every versions of you is essentially a manifestation of your feelings, in the form of ego. Your egos are the masks you wear to face different situations. Your ego speaks out for you, acts out for you.... to a point that most of us would start thinking that we ARE our egos but that is wrong. We are not our feelings. Beneath that ego show, within you lies one central being that never changes. That is your supreme SELF, your true identity which is universal and divine. To picture it, your true Self is the mothership and your egos are in fact, small fighter crafts you send off to battle situations. Your true Self remains, the governing being.

People who know their true Self are not conflicted and less likely to beat themselves up over things. They are aware of the connection between the universe, their physical body and their mind. They do not go raving mad when things (seemingly) fall apart. They know how to fix things by making sure the trinity of heart, mind and spirit is balanced. They know how to look within for peace and contentment, instead of elsewhere. (Ok, ok, enough of my zen mambo jambo.)

One of the changes I wanted in 2009, is to stop believing that my egos constitute my entire universe and to try and find out a little more about my true Self. So I went on a little personal spiritual journey (i.e. yoga, reiki, meditation workshops etc.) and I am happy to report that that I have learnt some pretty interesting things and personally gained some exciting insights. I haven’t truly manage to fully infuse what I learnt in my daily life (it’s tough) but I will continue trying for I know it leads to a good place.

Change 5:

The last, and perhaps the most important change in 2009, relates to my work. I experienced the first milestone in my career last year when I was given a promotion to a position which previously wasn’t available to me… simply because it never existed. I am truly grateful for the recognition but with this new role, it means I am watched rather closely. While I was pretty good at keeping my nose on the grind for most part, I admit that I could have fared much better had I been more on the ball and is less childish when dealing with work stress. The Frou doesn’t handle stress well and for the same reason, I don’t take on unnecessary stress. But with heavier responsibilities and more independence, the cracks are showing when I started whinging about the incoherence of my Indian counterparts, the anal-retentiveness of my European colleagues.. and so on. It is childish, I know, for a more matured person would have simply taken things into stride, reconcile the cultural differences and get with the program. I also have this bad habit of thinking to myself that I am young (I am not anymore) and I can’t handle things – only to realize that if you think of yourself like that, people will treat you like that.

So now that I have changed the things I wanted to change in 2009, developing some new bad habits along the way, the Frou’s 2010 new year resolution shall simply be, to let go.

• Let go of being a tight ass
• Let go of my insane need to be in control (or to be right)
• Let go of my childish thinking & behaviors, including throwing tantrums at whim and dressing like I am still in my 20s.
• Let go of my hibernating tendencies & laziness

While I am at it, there are also some things I wish to specifically let go off:

• Let go of extravagant spending on unnecessary luxuries such as spa, facials, pedicures and on-the-whim holidays (PS: I spent half my salary on massages in 2009)
• Let go of being a lazy climber and start focusing on being a stronger and better one. No more climbing for the sake of getting a workout.
• Let go of letting myself go, meaning I need to take better care of 30-something body. The Monkey Girls have unanimously announced that we must be ‘body fantastic’ in 2010.
• Let go of drinking myself into a coma. (That is so 2009!)
• Let go of being indifferent to things happening around me, and start taking a more active interest in my family, friends, the economy, politics, environment.. in short, be a grown up.

Gosh, look what I have done. I gotten myself a list! Oh, nevermind, if all else fail, I guess I can still abide to my resolution by simply letting go of my list of ‘let gos’…… (HAHA! LOOPHOLE!)

Anyway I’ve got a feeling that 2010 will be a GREAT year. Here’s hoping, and thanks for reading thus far. Keep tuned!

Snapshots of some of my happy moments in 2010: (Thank you for the good time, Monkey Girls!)