I am not the Big Kahuna. Or Michael Moore, for that matter.

Just the other day, I was at a networking dinner and somebody asked me what I do at work. I thought about it for quite some time but I couldn’t come up with a precise answer.

It was much easier in my previous jobs where I can just answer that I am a shark in the bla bla department specializing in the field of bla bla but with this current job, it’s impossible to put it so simply. My work portfolio depends largely on the needs of the business and my job is typically fixing whatever screw ups needs to be fixed. In short, it’s a bao kah liao (Hokkein: everything also must do) type of work. I guess you could say that the crux of my existence at work is to answer every darn email that end up in my inbox. Something like a IT Tech Support except I’m dishing out the boring legal schtufs.

So I deal with a few hundred emails a day, and there are good emails and the bad ones. What I classify as good means the sender tells me who the hell he/she is (you will be surprised how useful that is in an organization with a few hundred thousand staff), the background facts (without confusing business acronyms like CCS, STPD, SAP, CPU and whathaveyous), what is the problem (i.e. what screwed up, who didn’t pay or what/who died) and what kind of solution he/she is looking for.

And a bad email? It’s typically one that is missing any of the above. You’ll be surprise how much it irks lawyers when you are not clear what you are asking from us. Many people like to assume lawyers are mind-readers and we just can rub our turban, look into a crystal ball and immediately know what your problem is and solve it for you. Like a Big Kahuna.

The other problem is, a lot of folks like to run to lawyers for every and anything especially in a company who has an in-house counsel who is just an email away and doesn’t charge for every word that comes out of his/her mouth. This is the ‘cover kah zheng’ (Hokkein: cover backside) syndrome typical of malicious users who likes to forward things to lawyers just to shirk responsible and cover their own backside. On the other end of the spectrum, there are the genuinely, err, dumb users who genuinely cannot handle matters that may or may not be legally related. I’ve learnt how to differentiate the two categories, and whilst one is always justified to be a bitch to the former, I always try to be more patient to the latter.

So there is this chick from an overseas office (let’s call her C) who falls into the latter category. I have been arrowed by my colleague to handle her because my colleague is pregnant and cannot take any further stress from her. I didn't think it could be that bad. After allI had a few encounters with C on the phone before and she is an awfully, awfully sweet girl. But also awfully, awfully........ (I'm loss for words. How about I give you examples?)

Like today, C was frantically seeking me out like her personal kahuna. In small doses, I can deal with it fine but she decided to give me the full blown works by sending me 4 back-to-back emails , three of which had just two words “Please help” in the subject header ….with a smiley face ":)".

(How can I fault anyone who gives me a smiley face?????)

Her first email was to ask questions on how to fill out a contract template. This is a no-brainer that even Spongebob’s best friend can do on his own if he had bother to read the contract in the first place but I took it all in and gave her a step by step on how to fill out blanks in a TEMPLATE.

Her second email, shortly after, was to ask what does it mean “to sign over printed name” at the signing page of a contract. I had to take slow deep breaths before I reply. I would have done an animated demonstration if I am more tech savvy but since I am not, I politely replied (in words) that it means writing one’s name and signing over it.

Her third email has an attachment entitled "Gu anhhoan jirka NYNT" which is a contract in a language I do not understand. No other instructions. No background. Nothing. Just “please help” in the header. And smiley face. I had to bite my tongue, scream silently for 5 minutes into my chair pad and forced myself not to reply “YOU THINK LLB STANDS FOR BACHELOR OF GIBBERISH?” but instead, I wrote: “Please tell me what kind of help you need on this.”

Her last email is the one that got me completely floored.

She wrote:

Dear Frou. Please read the below email (the highlighted in blue in the email below) and let me know if I should send the original signed copy of the contract to you in Singapore.

Wow, I thought to myself. Complete sentences. She asked a precise question and even took the initiative to highlight the words/issue she doesn’t understand. This one is a “good” email in my books.

So I scrolled down and read the words in blue, which is part of an email her boss has sent her. It says:

"Please ensure you send the original signed contract to Singapore, addressed to the Sales Director, (Michael Moore) and retain a copy for your own records."

Maro: Let me get this straight. She wants you...to tell her...where and who she should send the document to when the words she highlighted already state where and who the recipient is???
Frou: Unless this is a trick question….YES!
Maro: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Frou: HELP!! I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what she wants from me….!!!
Maro: HAHHAHAHHAHAHHAAH!
Frou: Maybe I look like a Michael Moore to her…
Maro: Wait, I’m still not done laughing yet...!!
Frou: Or maybe she is sent by my Big Boss to test my service level?
Maro: Please lah. Not everything is about you. That poor girl probably doesn’t have much grey matters in her head. Perhaps she is the sort that need permission to sneeze or file a form to go to the toilet.
Frou: Sigh. If she is a lightbulb in a box, I guess she will be da flickering one…
Maro: So what did you reply?
Frou: "I am not Michael Moore"