The Shameless Fag’s Proposed Visit to Singapore

I received an email yesterday from Phillip addressed to me, Maro and Toi:

HEY Singaporean tarts,

Please find attached my forthcoming travel itinerary to Sing Ka Poh. I expect to be picked up to and fro the airport, and to be chauffeured around throughout my trip. As for activities, please devise a complete and exciting agenda to fill my days there, which must contain at least one or 2 gay-related activity. The draft agenda must be presented to me for review and approval 7 days prior to my arrival.

As for accommodation, please arrange taking into consideration the following requirements:

1. comfortable bed with ample of sleeping space (slightly less than queen size - for myself)
2. aircon
3. clean toilet
4. no cockroach

I look forward to being served.


NOT SHY!!!!!!!!!!!!

An hour later, Maro replied:


Dear Mr Phillip,

Thank you for your correspondence.

We are pleased to offer you the following accommodation in The Land of New Water:

1. Bed - The only accommodation available for your budget is a shoe-box size store room, with a single bed, due to space restrictions in sing ka poh, and our strict equality policy on lifestyle (i.e if we are not doing the horizontol mambo, YOU will not be having any either). The 1970s-inspired floral bed coverings and sinking mattress will be thrown in Free Of Charge to make your stay more pleasant. if you wish to have the sheets washed, please do bring your own washing powder, and /or Indo/Filipino maid, whichever is more convenient to you.

2. Aircon - Usage of the aircon is complimentary as there is insufficient time for management to install a time-based meter usage of said appliance.

3. Toilet - Toilets are maintained on a "Wash-as-you-shower" basis. Toilet paper in water closet is complimentary, limited to 1 roll per customer. Additional TP are charged 10 Singaporean cents per square sheet.

4. Cockroaches, worms, mosquitoes and other pets - Strictly prohibited in residential units. If you still wish to see them, may I propose the lovely suburb of Jurong where I hear they have a lovely Bird Park and near the National Zoo.

Your activities agenda will soon follow, after the 24-Hour Party People Travel Desk has finalised and reviewed your request below.

In the meantime, we looking forward to your patronage!


I can only assume that “24-Hour Party People Travel Desk” refers to me so I wrote:


Dear Mr. Phillip The Fag,

I trust that, my colleague, Maro's response to your accommodation queries has been satisfactory.

In the otherwise, you may wish to consider an alternative and cheap accommodation that is very popular amongst the local under aged kids who are still living with their parents but wishes to indulge in unsavory sex activities in privacy aka. Hotel 81. This establishment has branches located in many convenient spots around Singapore; and their rooms are spacious, air-conditioned and has an attached bathroom as per your first 3 requirements. I believe that they will be able to manage pest control (and a change of stained sheets if so required) for a nominal charge.

That said, I am afraid, that our organization do not have the means nor obligation to stop anyone (especially those copied in your email) from arbitrarily throwing a box of cockroach at you during your trip be it within or outside the hotel premises. Please be warned and proceed with caution during your stay in Singapore.

Our 24-Hour Party People Travel Desk is usually closed from Mondays to Thursday evening to fully recover from past weekend partying activities. We will respond to your entertainment requests when our staff come round from their alcohol coma.

We look forward to your visit.


I can already imagine Toi waiting around the corner with the box of roaches ready….