Bang!

I think I should write about “The Frou’s BANGkok Birthday Bazaar” since a lot of friends have been asking me how that went.

Last weekend, Frou’s merry men (Phillip, Toi and Silly French Man) brought her to BANGkok to celebrate her “no longer a spring chicken” day with a BANG.

“BANG” is a indeed a very apt word to describe the trip –it was very short and very loud. ‘Short’ because we only had the weekend and ‘loud’ because my merry men and I certainly don’t come quietly (all pun intended). All throughout the trip, we were squealing, laughing, pinching, shouting, pushing, hugging, poking and showing a myriad of public affection for one another. I’m not sure if we were a source of annoyance or entertainment to the general public. I remember we made a train station warden laugh out loud when we danced around the train station and making “fun” of the ass of a cheetah on a billboard by poking it with a bottle of wine. (Don’t even ask why we were running around with wine at a train station!) On the other hand, we also had people avoid us on the BTS or moved tables in the restaurants away from us. Well, I guess it is all balanced out…

So, what wonderful birthday treats did I get from my merry men?

Glorious food….
My merry men fed me well and often (i.e. every 3 hours.) We had duck noodles by the roadside, a fancy Thai dinner at a bungalow restaurant called Spring Summer, lunch at Jim Thompson, a high society English High-Tea and lots of local fanfares in between such as tom yum kong, pad thai, minced basil chicken, mango sticky rice, papaya salad, green curry, chicken joints, sundried beef, yogurt ice cream…..*burp* Everything was washed down with Singha (I learnt the “a” is silent) beer or wine. I also had two birthday cakes – one called the BTS (“Better than Sex”) from my merry men and another alibaba cake that Peter manage to dig up for me at 12 midnight at a local pub that comes with the local band performing for me a birthday song and dance.

(A belly satisfied Frou!)

Let’s relax…..
The merry men also paid for my half day “make beauty” session at a spa called “Let’s Relax”. Never mind its cheesy name, the parlour was actually really nice - the type that have crickets and birds chirping in the background, heated massage beds, private rooms with shower and Jacuzzi and gentle masseurs who rub you to oblivion for 3 hours. I had an hour body scrub (of which they scrubbed me raw, wrap me like a poh-piah and left me steaming for 20mins), an hour long lemongrass body massage and lastly, an hour long foot massage. After all that pampering, my brains couldn’t function very well after that.

(An all chilled-out Frou!)

Underwear retail therapy…
This is a must-do on all my Bangkok trips. My merry men graciously granted me one uninterrupted hour at Wacoal. I bought a year supply.

(A happy Shopper Frou!)

Salute at the movie…
The merry men also brought me to watch a movie (Wall E!) at a really old retro Thai cinema. I am talking about the type where they have majestic red curtains that needs to be drawn back from the screen and cinema attendants in yellow suit to guide us to our creaky velvet seats. It was a great experience. It reminded me of the times when Phillip and I frequent this really rundown pawagam in KL when we were poor students and we have to sit with our legs up because rats and cockroaches were running amok on the floor. This retro Thai cinema, however, is very clean and the most interesting part is, we were required to “pay homage to the King” before the movie starts by standing to attention as the screen flashes pictures of King Bhumibol in his younger days.

(Phillip: Why we standing up? Who dat on the screen?)

Of c**ks and such…..
As the only girl (ok, fag hag) in the group, I was given many impromptu education on the ways of male bonding (and anatomy) during the trip. One of the questions my merry men asked me was whether I have ever seen “live” c**ks on Viagra. I had to admit that I have not. That night, they showed me many, many, many of them. In a row. Numbered!

They brought me to a famous street in Silom known for sex trading. What was amazing about this street is that they have every type to suit every need. We passed by an area that is especially for heterosexual Japanese men. All the sex workers on that street speaks Japanese and was calling out to my merry men (who looks Japanese). It was a sick pleasure for me to walk through that street arm-in-arm with my merry men because I look like a hooker who has scored! Haha!

We arrived just in time for the “Big C**ks Show” at one of the gay clubs. It started rather innocently with a couple of topless men dancing lackadaisically in dramatic costumes around a drag queen lip synching to Madonna newest hits (Toe! It’s not Whitney Housten’s “I will always love you”!) After 2-3 such dances, I got really bored and mouthed to my merry men, “You bluff me. Where got action one?”

The second segment is slightly more raunchy as the men took off their pants and prances around in their underwear. But then again, I get to see the same routine at beaches and pools (and even in my bedroom) so it was really nothing new or exciting. Zzz..

In the third segment, the undies came off but their private bits were cleverly hidden behind bath towels or strategically placed props. One of the dance involve the men holding whipped cream cans at their crotch and “spritzing” cream on themselves at the “climax” of the song. Me and Phillip had to bite our tongues and hold hands to stop from laughing out loud.

Everything came off in the fourth segment and the Viagra c**ks came up and out. The funny thing is, instead of getting wildly excited and bleeding from the nose, I was actually fighting back the yawns. It wasn’t because this was a gay club (I was told the dancers are mostly straight anyway) but I suspect it is because it was done in such an non-erotic manner. For example, in the ‘shower performance’ where two completely naked men were soaping and rubbing each other up, every move was rehearsed and their lips never even touched! In fact, the more I watch, the sorrier I felt for them. Judging from their unconvincing acts, it seems that they are obviously doing this just for a living. :(

The show ended with the men parading one by one on stage with numbers on their waistband. The bouncer came round asking patrons to pick a number. I was told that it costs about THB2000 (RM200) to bring a boy out of the club and you may do whatever you wish and tip him afterwards. When it came my turn, the bouncer said to me, “Choose a number? Girl also can do.” The problem is, I wouldn’t know what to “do” with them. My merry men nudged me to pick a number. Of course I objected very violently.

(A chaste Frou! Or rather, a very scared Frou :S )

SMS from Dailytoe: “You don’t anyhow pick number ok? But if you have to bring a gay boy home, ask him to teach you tricks instead. Like rimming.” (Guess which of my merry men immediately offered to be test subject?)

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I truly heart BANGkok with all its sheBANGs! But I heart my merry men even more for making my burfday so ultra fun and entertaining! Now I can transition to 30 next year with full knowledge what a c**k on Viagra looks like. Zzz…