Nice, my ass!

Frou was idly watching some heavily censored indie flick on a "NICE++ executive coach" traveling from KL to Singapore when the bus came to a sudden halt.

If there is one thing you should know about me, it is that I often lack curiosity. While the rest of the passenger were scrambling to see what was going on, I stayed put in my seat and continued watching the movie. In my head, I already knew that there can only be two possibilities: a vehicle breakdown or the bus langgar-ed a stray animal.

(Having said that, one must remember that whilst road kills are very common on Malaysian roads, what is not common is the vehicle stopping to check unless bits of the carcass is stuck to the wheels, causing inefficiencies to the vehicle in question)

Another reason why I didn't bother to get up is because I needed to pee. Badly. Any unnecessary movements would jiggle my much filled bladder. So I waited motionless. At the same time, I note that the air is getting warmer and I predict that if the "problem" is not solved soon, the aircon will not hold up very long. So I actually took the opportunity to take a nap before further dire strait occurs.

When I awoke half an hour later, nothing has changed except the bus stank of smelly bulu ketiak (armpit hair). It was a hot blazing afternoon and the sweaty "key-poh" passengers are going up and down the bus trying to see to get an update on the situation. There are some aunties sitting in front of me, loudly lamenting to one another in Hakka. I manage to pick up from their diatribe that the bus has a flat tyre and that another bus is coming to get us.

Another fifteen minutes later, another bus did come. This time I was fully awake and my bladder is on the verge of bursting. I gathered my bags to prepare for the transfer when our 'friendly bus customer service staff" announce that the other bus is already full.

Now, this is the first time we are getting an "official announcement" from the bus staffs - meaning since the bus halted, they have not explained the situation nor update us what they are doing about it. I have been patient for the past hour but this time, me and my bladder are taking no more nonsense. So I stormed down the bus and demanded to know what is going on.

To my absolute shock, I was informed that there are not sending us a replacement bus. Instead, as and when another bus from their same company pass by (which can be anytime from now until the next hundred hours) and if they have any available seats, some of us will be allowed to board. And it so happens that this other bus that has just stopped for us has a total of 7 free seats. And 7 very kiasu aunties from my bus have already planted their asses firmly in those 7 seats.

Hell hath no fury as I stood at the side of the highway, screaming for justice at this very pathetic "friendly bus customer service staff." First of all, I asked what right has some passengers over the others to get on the next bus when we all paid the same frigging bus fare. Secondly, why can't they (at least) find out when their next sister buses are arriving and how many seats are available? Thirdly, do they expect the remaining passengers left behind to sit tight and pray that they will be the lucky 'chosen one' next? Have I fell asleep and woke up in a third world country?

After my wonderful speech, all I got was a dumb stare from her (and the rest of the passengers!) At that very moment, I actually wished that I have studied harder for my O'Levels Bahasa Melayu. If I had said all that in Malay, it would have packed a punch. I could probably try to translate that same speech but by the time I finish, I'll probably be the only one left standing at the side of the road.

My bladder is not doing too good.

Some time later, another (cranky, old) bus did stop. It is from the same company but a lower-class grade bus (read, not an 'Executive Coach"). Also, it is not even going to Singapore but to Johor Bahru. And they have 2 free seats.

The remaining passengers looked at one another. And we looked at the (cranky, old) bus. Then, we looked at the free seats (one is next to a VERY fat Indian man and the other is right at the back next to the engine). Reluctantly, I volunteered to get on. Actually, it wasn't me, it was my bladder.

Just an hour or so ago, I was spread out in my luxury one-seat chair, sipping green tea and watching a heavily censored indie flick on my personal TV screen. And now, I am cramped between two other persons, with my luggage on my knees, just next to the (hot! hot! hot!) roaring engine, on my way to somewhere I do not wish to go! The only thing that is keeping me sane is my bladder. My need to pee is so strong that physical discomfort is the least of my worries.

The (cranky, old) bus did stop for a pee-break an hour later (because a passenger went up to the driver and asked for a stop - apparently this is allowed in non-executive coaches!) After emptying my bladder, my mood lifted. I also had the energy to go beg a ride from other (nicer) buses going to Singapore since we are at a general pee-stop for buses. Unfortunately, the other buses are all full. In the end, I had to go back to my boiling seat in the (cranky, old) bus.

When we finally reach JB a couple of hours later, I was a resigned little kitten. I meowed pitifully as the bus jerked and flew across large potholes on JB roads. When we reached Larkin Bus Station, I sauntered along with the rest of the Lian Bang factory workers on the 170 public bus to Singapore. Lucky for me, I had 10 years experience traveling across the causeway as student so I knew where to go. By the time I fought my way across the customs, I was a dirty, smelly, grouchy and extremely sad pussy (no pun intended).

What are the lessons I learnt? That one must never be too complacent about the luxuries of life. The Queen always tells me that while we may be on a better grade of life now, we must not forget how to deal with life's discomforts when they arise. So, when life throws you a stalled luxury bus, just shut your trap and take a crap bus instead. If I have not done so, I probably still be stranded at the side of the highway.

Also, NICE buses are really not that nice after all. Boycott!