Cover your ‘kah-zeng’

I have just spent the entire morning drafting disclaimers. YAWN......!

If you don’t know what a disclaimer is, it is simply a statement in a contract that limits your exposure to risks so that you don’t get sued that easily. It’s like a “get-out-of-jail” card. The Hokkeins call it “cover kah zeng” (Translation: “cover your arse”)

Disclaimers can take the form of a one-liner like "Use at your own risk" but that is never kick-ass enough. The key to writing a good disclaimer is to make it comprehensive enough to cover your ‘kah-zeng’ from every angle possible.

Here are Frou's 5 tips on how to draft a seriously ‘cover kah-zeng’ disclaimer:

1. Think of all possible scenarios that can put you at risk; cover them all PLUS everything else under the sun.
2. Always leave your sentences open-ended by throwing in words like "including but not limited to", "whatsoever" or "howsoever."
3. Always include other people or situations you can blame.
4. Never punctuate with a full stop; use as many commas as you wish.
5. Make it as serious sounding as you can by peppering it with legalese and using a legal font such as Times New Roman.

Here’s an example:

"The author of this blog makes no warranty or representation as to the accuracy of any information contained herein including accounts of seemingly real stories which may have been obtained from third-party hearsay or if actually experienced by author, likely to be a result of imperfect recollection.

Any advice rendered, clever or otherwise, is completely off the top of the author’s pretty little head and intended for the purposes of general information and/or lame amusement only and henceforth should not be relied upon in lieu of solicitated advice from professionals in the relevant field of study.

To the widest extent permissible by any law of any jurisdiction, the author shall not be liable for any direct or indirect loss or damage of any kind, including but not limited to diminishing intelligence, headaches from ridiculous font stylization, angst from use of bad English, stitches from laughing too hard or whatsoever discomfort or emotions suffered or incurred by readers, howsoever arising, in connection with or as a result of reading this blog.

Readers are therefore advised to read ENTIRELY at own discretion and risk."

*Phew…*