The Frou, Interrupted.

Today, I will write a very honest post.

And the honest truth is this, the Frou is super grumpy today. And the reason why I am feeling this way is because my life has been moved out of kilter. Disrupted. Interrupted.

I know, I know. It is all part of the journey of life, changes and moving on. But I hung my head in shame because at the ripe age of 28, I am officially living out of a suitcase!

And here’s why my life is fragmented at the moment…

>> The Move

If my life is for rent, and I don't learn to buy.
I deserve nothing more than I get
For nothing I have, is truly mine ~ Dido

Dido certainly got that right. If your life is for rent, you are liable to be kicked out of the house when your housemate decides that she wants her boyfriend to move in instead.

Which explains why I spent the entire afternoon on Christmas day packing and dragging stuffs into the car (ownself!) while my housemate and her extended family were eating turkey and watching The Simpsons. This is the second time I am moving house this year dammit!

I know, I know. She does feel bad about unceremoniously chasing me away because she has been avoiding my eyes since. I don't really blame her because I understand that she wants to do the couple life thingy but this frigging move is like a thorn in my side since she first gave me notice 2 months ago.

Moving house is always disruptive because I have to go through the whole gamut of finding a place, create a new routine, get used to new housemates etc. Not forgetting all the packing and unpacking you need to do. And rental prices have rocketed sky high and I hate living with strangers. She better frigging make it with this friggin' boyfriend (unlike all her previous friggin' relationships that never lasts) otherwise I am going back there to break every friggin' plate in the house. GRRRR!

The good thing that came out of this is that it jolted me into realizing that it is high time I invest in buying my own pad. I curse, curse and curse myself for not having the foresight to do so when property prices are still relatively affordable on a single salary. Is this how the Government forces people to get hitched? Do I have to succumb to ROM-ing with some local boy so that we can line up for a HDB together? Hur? Hur? Hur? Gosh, my mum will be a happy woman for that.

>> The Wretched Body

Our bodies are our gardens - our wills are our gardeners ~William Shakespeare

This garden of mine is wretched and it took a lot of money, blood and tears to find that out. Everyone around me broke down and everything went on standby mode until the diagnosis is out. To be completely honest, I have silently accepted whatever the outcome may be but the entire fiasco have left me very very tired. Going in and out of hospital, taking weeks off work and answering incessant questions about a strange disease no one understand or even pronounce.

The only time I cried in this entire episode was after the doctor advised me not to see the oncologist alone. First of all, I didn't understand what an oncologist is. Secondly, I didn't understand why I shouldn't go alone. I later found out what an oncologist do after a quick google on my Blackberry (yes it is a useful thing after all) and I am also relieved that I went with my sister because the moment I picked up the phone to call her, I broke down completely and utterly. I didn't know that I was feeling scared at all until I open my mouth and say the 'C' word for the first time. If I had gone alone, I would have been a complete wreck in front of the oncologist. While waiting for my sis to arrive, I took my car out (the only private space I can think of) and drove around in circles around town and squeezed every drop of tears out of me for a good 30 minutes. And that was the first and last time I cried about this episode.

The other day at the hospital, I was told to take a TB test and the only room available is the Chemotherapy Room. I sat next to an old couple; the old man was undergoing chemo and pretending to read to avoid listening to his wife who is busy chatting to him in some Peranakan language. There is another lone old man opposite me who is hooked up on a dialysis machine. He cast me a knowing look as the nurse led me to sit on another dialysis chair, as if to say, "I'm sorry you have to join this club". I wanted to tell him that I am not there for treatment but I couldn't get the words out. For when I look at him, I realized that it could have been me sitting there by myself - every week for hours - with needles sticking in my veins. I had to look away for the rest of the session.

The good thing I take out of this is that it jolted me into realizing that though I may not care very much for myself at all, there are a lot of people around me who do. Those who were desperately trying to get news of me, those who stayed by my bedside through the night, those who traveled the distance to distract me; I was never alone. It is a huge network of love and I felt blessed that everyone stood by me and put up with my moody nonsense.

I take away from this, a scar on my neck. But as they say, scars are tattoos with better stories and my story is this: The Frou is friggin’ lucky to be loved.

>> The Trip

The trip to Krabi was planned a long time ago (before the above incidents) when I had this grand idea that I will be toasting to the new year from high up on a rock.

But with my current unfit state of being (I was not allowed to move a limb during the 2 weeks recovery) and frankly, exhaustion from dealing with all the above PLUS my tip to KL last weekend to celebrate Phillip's birthday PLUS the whole Christmas thingamajid where I had to jostled with a million people to get Christmas presents PLUS organizing a friggin’ Christmas party and what not – All I wanna do is to lie back on my bed and sleep through the New Year alone.

Then I realized that I actually don't have a bed of my own now since I moved out.

So I guess, that's explains why I am super grumpy today.

But yes, my takeaways from everything that happened are all good. I have good people around me and everything turned out well. I'm even wearing the titanium infused necklace that my Boss got for me from Japan for 'speedy and powerful' recovery. And I am still leaving for Krabi tomorrow and I'm sure that I will have fun TRYING to climb even if I will end up a pussy on the rocks. The Boy is strong enough to hoist me up in any case. We WILL toast to the new year from high above, as planned.

This will be my last blog post for the year. Thanks for listening to me thus far. The Frou's thoughts never did die of loneliness after all.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, everyone! I love you all* :)

*Gawd, I sound like Michael Jackson. Forgive me, it's the steroids.

And the pig takes flight....