If for some strange reasons you have done so - try calculating the percentage of new friends vs old friends (say more than 3-5 years of continuos contact) from this number.
What is the percentile u get?
The sad thing is, me and my buddy actually sat down and did this. It didn't take too long (sob). To avoid getting sympathy looks, I won't reveal the number we got. But out of this (ok, fine, measly) figure, we found that 100% are 'old friends'.
Hmmmm...
It got us wondering, how come it is so much harder to meet new people and building long-lasting friendship nowadays? I am not talking about any inherent shyness or personality problems which might limit your ability to do so. For the OLDER but still healthy, fun, outgoing and wicked personalities like *ah hem* ourselves, why do we still face this problem?
We came up with a number of POV:
1. The Aging Intolerance
When we are younger, we want to be a friend of the world. Without prejudices, we want to try out everything and everyone (!!). I myself have gone through the age of wilderness where I hung out with skateboarders, melayu barus, ahbeng groups, lepak kids etc. trying to see where I fit in. At such tender age, our expectations of friends are also vague. In this carefree and 'tak-apa' mind-set, the friend-making process is fun and unadulterated.
And we are so much more tolerant to any personality dysfuncts. I don't care if he is a screwed up beng because he can tell funny jokes and make me laugh. I don't care if she is a crybaby and a motormouth because she sits next to me in class and lends me her notes everyday. I don't care if we fall out the next day so long as we have fun today. It is because of this tak-apa attitude and years of hanging out without prejudices, that I make and remain very good friends with these seemingly 'salah' people ** (who of course in time blossom and become civil and agreeable individuals). If I have met them then at this age today, would I be so tolerant? I doubt.
As we grow older, we don't have that much time to waste. Simply put, we are picky. We know who we like talking to or hanging out with and we can be pretty bias unless this new person we meet fit in our category. Of course I know some very patient people who spends time getting properly know a new person before dismissing them as acquaintances. But for the intolerant and impatient of us, this process is often cut short by the initial 1-2 meetings.
2. The Aging Purpose
With age, we are more certain of what we want from our life, our government, others etc. This leads to a growing fear of wasting time with anything (including people) that are not within the game plan. Simply put, we become purposeful.
How does this effect our ability to build lasting friendship?
We often have a purpose when looking for or making new friends. It could be as simple as wanting a like-minded buddy to hang out with or someone who can appreciate jazz with me. However sometimes our purpose may not be entirely 'pure' especially if our gameplan isn't. Some eg. of impure thoughts:
Does she have expertise which I may one day need to rely on?
Does he have a yacht which I can borrow sometimes?
Does she have a cute brother I can date?
Does he have a six packs under that shirt?
Of course we all want friends with benefits. In fact, we all have friends with benefits. If you have read the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and how our relationship with people is always on a give and take basis such as the Emotional Bank Account (deposit and withdrawal), this would make sense. However, the danger lies in when our purpose becomes impure and laden with self-gratification, then the quality of such friendships is cheapened.
Another example of being 'purposeful' is when a single person meets a new person of the opposite sex (especially a decent looking one). Often (I am not saying always), the first thing that comes to mind may be 'HEEEYYY, is this a new potential?'. With such a mindset, it is often very hard to be ourselves and build lasting friendship with this person because we are already in the predatory mode. It may work, it may not - but friendship that starts off with lust, ermm.... tricky.
3. The Aging Friends Pool
How do you normally make friends? We don't just go up to someone and offer our friendship, do we? Hardly. Most people makes friends by introduction by others.
Because of the cascading effect of meeting people, practically, you need to have friends who have friends they can introduce you to.
Now when we are younger, our new friends pool is huge. Let's say you have 5 friends and each of them have 5 friends each who in turn have 5 friends... ok you get my drift. When someone holds a party, naturally all 5 of 5 of 5 comes turns up. And you meet 5x5x5 number of new people. Results!
As we grow older, most of your friends will get married and form families of their own. Most friends my age already have more than 1 kid. It gets harder and harder for them to make time for existing friends, let alone go make new ones whom they can introduce to you. As a result, their friends pool may diminish. This in turn affect your new friends pool. Come partytime, it would probably be them, the kids, their nanny, two other married couple classmates of yours and their dogs; Fabulous!
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All that said, sounds rather a bunch of excuses doesn't it?
We will never stop meeting people, no matter at what age. This is on the assumption that we do not live our lives like a hermit. Our external circumstances may change but how well we get along with new people and at which level of fervour, is still entirely our own.
Definitely, age should never be taken as an excuse to be anti-social or lazy. Unfortunately after 10 hours of grueling time in the office, often I find myself longing for campany of old friends whom I can talk about our glorious past over teh tarik rather than getting dolled up and going to a bar meeting people whom I have to repeat my basic resume over and over again. Too much work.
This is the exact kind of mindset that we need to get out of in order to open ourselves up to the world and making friends. So much so that me and buddy decided that the problem is our own and instead we need to do what the MPs do and schedule more 'Meet the People' sessions in our routine...
"When the silences are no longer akward, you know you are around friends."
* Thanks kittykat! hee hee..
** You salah people, you know who you are and you should know that I love you all no matter what I say. Besides, you are stuck with me for life. Bwahahahah!
1 comment:
Answer is - Of course, lah - you kidding me or what?
I am sure most people experience the same thing - I certainly do. With a notable few, all my best friends are people I met in primary and secondary school with whom I grew up with. I think it has to do with the innocence of youth and the very simple passage of time. We become brothers/sisters somewhere along the way. And when we are family, we stay together - even if he/she is weird or smells or whatever. Sometimes, I think about my friends and ask myself if I would be such friends with them if I were to meet them now. And the answer is (let's be honest) - for some of them - maybe not! So, for old friends - well, as the saying goes - sometimes you can't choose your family - your family chooses you.
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