How long does it take to get over a breakup?

Have you ever wondered why does it take someone only two days to bounce off the misery wall while some people takes a lifetime to pull themselves together after a relationship ends?

I have seen my friends through numerous relationships, some even from the start ‘til end. As a chronic singleton, I am always the shoulder to cry on when things go wrong (“Frou, don’t pretend you have something better to do. You no bf what!”). Years in and years out of listening to the same old tales, I think I have SOME sort of idea how it goes:

Process of breakup:
1. Relationship is fine
2. One party start acting weird
3. Pretend relationship is fine
4. Same party stop calling/talking/listening/coming home
5. Fights
6. Pretend relationship is fine
7. Fights gets worse
8. Someone shouts, “BREAKUP”
9. Someone walks
10. The one who stayed goes psychotic – calls everyday, stalks, write suicide note etc
11. Someone calls Frou

Ok you get my point.

Yes, breaking up is hard to do. When love ends, it does seem that the whole world ends too. It’s like someone tore your heart right out of your chest, crushed it into bits and ate it while you are sitting there alone with the wind blowing right through the hole where your heart used to be.

I saw this sign the back of my toilet stall door at Narita Airport in Tokyo: “If there is anything I learnt in life, is that it goes on no matter what”.

Exactly. So you may be miserable but it will pass. Maybe in an hour’s time, or maybe 2 months or a year or ten. So what determines how long you stay in the ruts?

Here are some myths you may think affect post-breakup “recovery” rate:

MYTH No. 1: Length of relationship
Somebody told me that it takes you half the length of the actual relationship to get over it. For example, if the relationship lasted a year, the recovery period after breakup is 6 months. This equation sounds probable for short relationship but put it this way, does it mean that a relationship that lasted a decade will result in someone moaning, whining, crying and annoying the shit out of his/her friends (if any left) for the next 5 years after the breakup?

Please remember folks, the length of a relationship do not affect how fast you get over someone. It is perfectly possible to have a very long and absolutely meaningless relationship with a person.

MYTH NO. 2: Dumper vs. Dumpee
It may seem de facto that whoever initiates the breakup should be giggling their way out of the relationship. If you truly understand the male breakup pattern, you realize that this is not entirely true.

Example:
Boy is in a relationship with Girl. Boy meets pretty chick, have an affair and wants to end relationship. Boy doesn’t want to hurt Girl. So Boy starts acting like a jerk –grumpy all the time, always busy, always demanding sex, rude to your parents and leaves toilet seat up. Girl gets disgusted. Girl breaks up with Boy on the rationale that they are ‘not suitable for each other’. Boy trotted off happily with new love. Girl finds out about cheating one day. Girl kills Boy in rage.

Ignoring that happy ending, my point is: You may get duped to do the dumping. It’s good and dandy if you never find out but we all know that the painful truth always reveals itself someday.

MYTH NO. 3: Reason for breakup
There are too many reasons for a relationship to end. According to my Taiwanese drama series, here are the top three reasons: (1) You realized that you two are in fact long lost siblings (2) Bribery by rich tycoon parents (“Leave my son and I will give you a million dollars”) or (3) Predicted death (“I only have 3 more months to live and I don’t want you to see me this way”).

In the real world, here are some grimy reasons why people usually break up: a cheating partner, falling out of love, change of hearts, refusal to get married, confession of one’s true sexual orientation etc.

If you ask me, any reason for breakup is bad. It doesn’t matter who, what and where. No matter what rationale you can tag to each of these reasons, there is only one ultimate result which you need to get over: the inability for two people to be together. So stop fooling yourself by thinking one reason is more valid and pain-worthy than another. Don’t give yourself an excuse to wallow.

Hey listen up, here are the REAL factors that affects post-breakup recovery rate:

REAL FACTOR NO. 1: Creature of Habit
People who are inadaptable to changes are the unhappiest creatures on earth. This is because the world is by nature ever-changing and any resistance is effectively going against nature. What kind of happy ending can that yield?

"It is not the strongest who survive, it's not the most intelligent who survive, it's those who are most responsive to change."

The ending of a relationship will always result in (usually unwanted) changes in your life. Your entire life routine will change from sex life, dietary habits and hell, even toilet schedules. It is the inability to accept these changes that most people hang on to dear life to an expired relationship, longing for some sort of familiarity to their old routine. Remember nothing is permanent and such forced familiarity will dissipate anyway.

So whether o you like it or not, learn to LET GO and embrace these changes. Remember that when life forces you to change, it is usually because there is such a need for it.

REAL FACTOR NO. 2: Drama Queen
The more dramatic you are, the harder you find it to see past your own nose let alone the relationship. Some people are drawn to misery (or the thought of being miserable) like Sherman the shark to big fat beach apes. They will nest in their sorrow by playing up the breakup over and over again, cry every time they walk past a familiar place, re-read sms-es (“we used to be so happy, waaaaa”) and day in day out, lament to any living creature (with or without ears) how miserable they are.

Other type of drama queens are those who tells others that they are SO over the breakup but continue to do talk about how SO over it they are. Also day in and day out. Also to any living creature. With or without ears.

The healing process begins by actions, not words. So quit waving your feather boa around and get your act together. If someone is really serious about recovering, they will be too busy doing it rather than talking about it.

REAL FACTOR NO. 3: How much do you love yourself?
People who bounces right up after a breakup are those who generally who loves themselves enough not to harm oneself, physically or mentally, with misery. They respect that their time is precious and moments lost pining after someone can be better utilized doing more productive things like sleeping, eating, breathing and making themselves look so good that it makes their ex writhe in regret that they let him/her go.

This is a tough one. There’s nothing I can say to make you love yourself more (less yes, more no). Just remember that if you don’t love yourself, it’s hard to convince others to love you too.

So you see, the summary is: Only YOU determines how fast you get out of your breakup misery. You can stay in the ruts forever if you choose or be getting on with your life the minute he/she walks out the door. I’m not saying you can’t pine. It’s not called a “heartbreak” for nothing. It needs healing. A healthy “grieving period” is mandatory for everyone needs to gets through a loss. The trick is to use this time to truly purge it out of your system. Then move on.

“Ya right, Frou. As if it is so easy. You’ve never been in love, you won’t know how I feel”.

Man, that’s harsh. No, I never underestimate the pain of breakups. Contrary to popular beliefs, I have been through a few heartwrenching breakups myself. How do I get over them? OK fine, here’s my truth. I have a short term memory and I am extremely lazy. It takes too much passion and energy to stay miserable. It makes me tired even thinking about it.

So that’s your alternative. Develop defective character traits like me and join me in my sloth….