As opposed to “How would you like your steak to be done?”

After watching the Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus at The Cathay last night (a movie which I didn’t understand), Barney suggest we go for cheap steaks at Aston’s.

There was a queue for an available table, but the waitress passed out menus so that she can take our orders while we wait.

We spent the next 10 minutes discussing the menu, including making Barney bend over and pretend to be a cow so that Toi can show us which part of his ‘cow body’ gives us Rib Eye, Sirloin, Potterhouse and Tenderloin. (Of course Barney got a pat on the bum when it comes to “Rump”)

Frou: Miss, you can take our orders now.
Waitress: What you want to order?
Toi: I want a Xtra cut Prime Rib with rice and baked beans.
Waitress: How you want your doneness?
Toi: Medium rare.
Maro: I want a black pepper steak with coleslaw and mash potatoes.
Waitress: What doneness?
Maro: Medium rare.
Frou: I want a prime rib with fries and vege.
Waitress: Doneness?
Frou: Medium rare too.
Barney: I want the Waygu beef with fries!
Waitress: And your doneness?
Barney: Medium rare.

A few minutes later:

Frou: Eh folks. Did the waitress just said “Doneness” to us?
All: Oh yeah, she did.
Frou: Did we have even a sliver of doubt what she was talking about?
All: Nopes!

*enters word into my dictionary of alibaba words*

Pretending to be a Pig to eat the Tiger

During my mahjong escapade over CNY, The Mother (yes, of all people) accused me of 'Pan Chu Sek Lou Fu.' Translated from Cantonese, it means 'Pretending to be a pig to eat the tiger.'

When asked what it means, The Mother explains that it is "to play dumb and to hide your strengths in order to deceive your opponent."

I was (wrongly) accused of being such a conniving pig because I had claimed that I didn't know how to play mahjong (and made everyone give me chances) but still manage to win the first few rounds of our game. My defence is that it was purely beginner's luck. My folks' retort (short of saying "Beginner's luck your backside") is that they have watched me grow up from a little piglet and knows that I am capable of such deception. Of course, inevitably, they brought up what I do for work. (Yeah, yeah, I am the liar, the shark and what have you not.)

And just yesterday, The Boy accused me *gasp* of the same thing! I cannot remember exactly what happened but it roughly involves me pretending to be a helpless damsel in distress in order to get something done in my favour. He pointed out that my strategy is not too bad except I need to work at it because 'the piggier you are, the bigger the tiger you can eat.'

I find this Chinese proverb logically wrong. Does it mean if you act cute like a pig, the tiger won't eat you? The cuter you are, the more it won't eat you? But if you do pretend to be a big fat juicy pig, won't the tiger gobble you up at first sight? Or are you actually a tiger yourself but pretends to be as harmless like a pig so that your fellow tiger's guard will be down?

Someone enlighten me please!

Sai Mai, a tiger at Sriracha Tiger Zoo in Bangkok, is reported to have happily adopted 6 piglets. Will these cunning pigs turn against him in accordance to our Chinese proverb? Are they sleeping on him or gnawing him to death???

Fag Hags

Go to any gay clubs and you will almost certainly find at least half a dozen of straight women. The fag hag phenomena started on or about the same time gay people started coming out of the closet (in troops) in the early 21st century.

It's no denying that our gay friends are out with a vengeance today. In fact everytime I meet a good-looking guy who wears the right shoes that matches his pants, I always assume that he is gay until and unless proven otherwise ...like if he starts talking about football or have dirty nails.

There are tons of reasons why women prefers to hang out with gay men. Fair enough we can't get into their pants at the end of the night, but women are not really not that lust-crazy to begin with (reeeeeally!!). Here are ten examples why we love them so much:

1. Hanging out with good looking men makes you look good.
2. You can touch them all you want and they will not think you want to sleep with them.
3. You can discuss everything under the sun from handbags, makeup, tinseltown gossips to Paris Hilton.
4. You can trust them to give you their honest opinion on everything ("Darling, this dress is so not you. You look like Oprah Winfrey before the diet")
5. They have the best groove on the dancefloor.
6. They have no reservations when it comes to partying - any day of the week is fine.
7. They are fitness buffs and make good gym buddies. ("Come on, work it girl. How else are you gonna look good in Lycra?")
8. They give the best advice on sex and BJ. In fact, they show you a demonstration if required.
9. They are after all men, and naturally gives the best advice on men and how to deal with them.
10. Their bf turarnound rate is so fast you never feel like a slut yourself.

All in all, gay men make the best 'girlfriend' - minus all the emotional baggage when dealing with a female. Girls can be so much work sometimes. When you tell a girl your problems, they always cut you short by whining about their own problems instead. Tell a gay man your problem, he will simply tell you that you are the most fabulous creature in the world and that good-for-nothing bastard does not deserve a goddess like you - then bring you out dancing all night. Sometimes, that is just what every depressed girl needs.

Last week, I went out clubbing with a group of new gay friends. Though I never met them before that, we were having belly-aching laughs all night long. When I complained that there are no good looking people around, I was told that clubbing nowadays are BYOGLM ("Bring your own good looking men"). Following that, the group of them crowded me in a tight squeeze and said, "Ok, go tell your friends tomorrow that you are surrounded by good looking men all night long"! Hahahhahahaha!

Common comments from heterosexuals:

"Eh, why you hang out with gay men? How to find bf?"

You can actually get to meet many cool UNBIASED straight men through gay friends. One of my bf criteria is that he cannot be a homophobic - it just shows that they are dull small-minded bigots.

"Yucks, I will never go to a gay club. Sure get molested."

Don't flatter yourself by assuming that all gay men are lecherous octopus out to grope every men (like you) who cross their path. They have standards, you know.

I am lucky that I have a group of really really loving & supportive gay friends who have been there for me through thick and thin over the decade. And I have continuously meet more and more gay people over the years who never fail to bring me much mirth and fun. Call me a fag hag, but gay men - you guys are just fabulous!

What is your mobile phone style?

With the age of technology, all of us now own a handy little device that allows us to communicate with people across the room or country. But just how well-adjusted are you to this not so newfangled communication tool? Can you leave home without it or do you need to have it surgically removed from your ears? Take my specially crafted test below to find out!

1. Where is your mobile phone now?
(a) Right where it belong - next to my ears of course!
(b) Somewhere in my bag
(c) Somewhere at home

2. What do you use your mobile phone for?
(a) Surf the net, online chats, play java games (competitively), listen/download/share mp3, make and distribute videos of me making out with my gf, buy 4-D or divorce my wife using sms etc.
(b) In and outgoing calls, sms and maybe the alarm clock.
(c) To whack my personal assistant with if she is acting stupid.

3. What is your current ringtone?
(a) It really depends on which group from my Phone Book calls. I also have a special tone when people are waiting for me to pick up the call. If the call goes unanswered (which is rare), it will be diverted to a mailbox message recorded by Paris Hilton.
(b) "Ring-ring"
(c) It's always on vibration - wink!

4. You just met a gorgeous stranger at a party. Alas, you need to leave soon. You wish to get his phone number so that you can see him again. How do you do that?
(a) Pass him my mobile phone and ask him to program his number. Call him there and then to check whether he gave me the right number. Take a picture of both us and program it as his caller ID. Then send him a mms of the picture so that he can remember my face. Sms him the minute I reach home. And continue to sms him for the next few days to hint that he should ask me out.
(b) Tell him it's nice talking to him and whether he would like to exchange phone numbers so that we continue our amusing banter over coffee this Saturday.
(c) No need phone number. I'm bringing him home with me.

5. You are a victim of a heinous robbery crime! With a knife against your neck, you've been told to hand over your cash, jewellery and mobile phone. What do you do?
(a) Hand over your cash and jewellery but negotiate whether you can keep your SIM card because you have all your phone numbers, images and music inside and they are irreplaceble.
(b) Hand over your cash and mobile phone but negotiate whether you can keep your 100 century old jade ring because it was passed down from your great great great grandmother and it is irreplaceable.
(c) Kick him in the balls and bring him to his knees, throw a few punches in for good measure until he is incapacitated and inflict a hurl of oral abuse while he is being handcuffed and led away.

Results:
Mostly As - Aiyoh, go get a life!
Mostly Bs - Congratulations! You have a healthy relationship with your mobile phone.
Mostly Cs - You obviously have better things to do. You go, girl/dude!

Friends with Benefits

Charlotte: Excuse me. Fuck buddy? What is a fuck buddy? Samantha: Oh, come on. Carrie: A fuck buddy is a guy you probably dated once or twice, but it didn't really go anywhere, but the sex was so great, you sorta of keep him on call. Samantha: He's like dial-a-dick

Pardon my french. This entry is going to be totally uncensored because this topic just ain't cut out to be wholesome. But there is no denying it. The FB arrangement seems to be the ultimate get together phenomenal these days.

Now we all know what a FB is (if not, read the above abstract from Sex & The City again), and I believe most of us (unless you have been hiding under a coconut for the past decade) had at least one FB in your life. If you have not been hiding under a coconut and yet not have a FB, you should consider clubbing...

Sex is never overated. Just as we crave chocolate, fast cars and lying under the tuscan sun, most healthy full-blooded individuals craves simple, no-fuss sex. Since there are so many healthy full-blooded individuals out there with the same craving, hooking up to fulfil it is natural... .and cheap!!

Back before my time, I heard people get together through introduction by friends or while indulging in mutual wholesome activities like chess club or Bible studies. Our current Generation X gets together in clubs. You go to a club, you see someone you like (ok, lust), you bring them home and if you like what you see the next day, you keep them. Sometimes you don't like what you see but you liked what you two did the night before, then you keep them in your pocket for future uses - which is essentially the FB arrangement.

The harsh brutal truth is, a FB is just someone whom you like to shag but not enough to make the bf/gf cut. It is fine and dandy if both parties feels the same way. The danger of it all is when only one person feels that way. Ouch!

Some people abuses the FB arrangement as an excuse to get close to the person he/she likes. Mostly for girls. It is very rare for a guy to turn down non-commital shag invitation from a girl so girls usually use this to get on with the dudes they fancies. But often, she is not ready to handle the emotional repercussions afterwards. It is science that women gets emotionally attached to men through physical intimacy whereas men are able to distinctly separate sex and love. So if he is insists on calling you a cab afterwards while you want to cuddle and talk about your childhood instead, you know you have a serious situation at hand.

So my point is, if you want a FB - be sure you know exactly what it is you want out of him/her and that he/she understands the arrangement as well. I leave you this quote from Alvin Tan from Fridae.com:

"Just remember, fuck buddies should not see or want to see each other for any reason other than sex. If your fuck buddy and you want to have dinner, then it’s no longer a fuck buddy relationship – it’s dating. And if your fuck buddy and you want to do platonic things together, then it’s goodbye fuck buddy and hello friend!"

The walk of shame

My first encounter with the phrase "walk of shame" is from this hilarious self-help book called: "Hook-Up Handbook". There are so many urban definitions available. I like this one from Wikipedia:

"The walk of shame usually occurs the morning after a night out. People undertaking the walk of shame are understood to have spent the night at the house of a sexual partner, particularly a one night stand. Due to this they can be recognised by the fact that they are still wearing the clothes they went out in the night before, have disheveled "bed head" or "sex head" hair, and are often suffering from a hangover."

In Malaysia, it is rare to see walks of shame. That is because nobody walks. Period. Most people have cars and are able to drive right home afterwards for a quick shower before rushing off to update their girlfriends about last night's escapade over coffee in Bangsar.

In Singapore, I've seen a few cases taking the MRT. Yes, the identifiable mini skirts, hair pointing in all directions, smudgy eye makeup and way too scandalous tops for Sunday mornings. But then again, that could be the fashion sense these days, I don't know.

In England, 'walks of shame' seems an everyday affair, not just reserved for weekends. In fact, there is nothing shameful about such walks. Only geeks like me will be walking to the public dining hall for breakfast in my peejays in the mornings while all the cool British chicks will stumbling back in last night sequinned dresses, one heel missing and bickering with one another over who snogged the fittest bloke the night before.

I remembered this phrase today as I was driving to work listening to Beth Orton. She was doing the walk down a central reservation* (fresh faced, perfect hair) in last night's red dress, still reeking of him. But she is without a care of the world, nor give a damn what it thinks of her. Never mind if he never calls, never mind if she never see him again. All it matters is whatever's good right now.

And it's interesting to note that she tried to inspire everyone else she meets on the street to wear the same last night's red dress. Even fought to put it on an unwilling dude at the end of the video. Point taken :)

So take it from Beth, the walk is whatever you want it to mean. You decide.

*"Central reservation" - the median sidewalk between two opposing lane of traffic

Beth Orton - Central Reservation
Music Video Codes

Running down a central reservation in last nights red dress,
And I can still smell you on my fingers and taste you on my breath;
Stepping through brilliant shades,
All the color you bring,
This time, this time, this time,
Is fine just as it is.

Today is whatever I want it to mean,
Today is whatever I want it to mean.

Is this where memories are made,
Well, dreams do come true.
Everything I ever took for granted,I want to see it through.
I step through every shade,
Any color you bring,
Cause this time, this time, this time,
Is fine just as it is.

Today is whatever I want it to mean,
Today is whatever I want it to mean.

It's like..
It's like...
It's like living in the middle of the ocean,
With no future, no past,
And everything that's good right now,
Well, I don't wish for it to last.
I'll step through brilliant shades,
Every color you bring,
Cause this time, this time, this time,
Is fine just as it is.

And today is whatever I want it to mean,
Today is whatever I want it to mean,

Today, today, is whatever I want it to mean,
Today is whatever I want it to mean.